Hey friends, I know, I know, it’s been awhile…
I wanted to hop on and just do some free writing about what has been currently going on in my life and why I haven’t been blogging as frequently as I would like to.
If you read my series, Please Help Me A Feminine Healthcare Journey (you can find all three posts here) you all know I have been going through it this year. From the never ending cycles, the uterine cysts, endometriosis, and ultimately, surgery, I have not been feeling too great these past few months.
When I got my surgery, in my feeble little mind, I thought it would be the end of my problems- I would be healed, and I could continue life as normal. Being a person who has never been cut open before or dealt with any procedures such as the Ovarian Cystectomy I underwent in March, I didn’t realize how long it would actually take to recover. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t the most horrible thing that’s ever happened to me, however, I just feel like I cannot get myself back on track. The most discouraging part about it all is now the pain is back with a vengeance out of nowhere. The last three days I haven’t been able to sleep, waking up in the middle of the night with excruciating pain in my uterus with a heavy, cramping, zapping feeling in my abdomen. I am once again back to snuggling the ol’ heating pad on my abdomen all day and night and popping Motrin like candy. This whole situation has completely f*cked with my life, from raging hormones, to physical and mental health, I truly have been suffering for a long time.
I sort of feel embarrassed to share my feelings of mental anguish and physical pain with others as this has been going on for such a long time, I feel as though people may begin to think I am milking the situation or making up bullsh*it stories looking for a pity party. Unless a person has gone through something similar, the sympathy starts to wear off, and you are expected to get back on your feet and hit the ground running, but I am tired, I am weak, I am not feeling all that well 99% of the time- whether it’s a mental thing or actually physical, I don’t know. However, what I do know is I want to get back to me again.
It’s been so long that I haven’t felt like “myself” that I feel like I am actually losing myself. The smallest tasks of every day life are seemingly a struggle for me on a daily basis, it’s almost as though I can’t keep up with the world around me anymore- I don’t feel like going and doing the things I need to do, hang out with friends or family due to the fact that I am so easily worn down and exhausted all the time. It’s very disheartening to say the least.
So much of what I used to enjoy I have now put on the back burner because I physically or mentally cannot even bear the thought of having to go through the process of any activity, cleaning, organizing, maintaining the house, cooking, self-care, blogging – you name it.
I want to get back to me, my old self, the girl who loved to do her nightly skin care routine, who took her vitamins every morning, and was daydreaming all day long about what blog post I was going to write next, among other things of course.
I feel as though most of the time it’s hard for others to understand what you are going through- “you seem depressed,” “you look tired,” “I can tell you aren’t feeling well” and I am. I don’t feel depression in any sense that I have ever felt before in my life, I would more describe it as feeling “blah.” Not happy, not sad, not even content, just existing. There are days when I don’t even want to turn on music and I just sit in silence and work until I feel like listening to a podcast- I’m just going with the flow of what I want to do, which is fine in some cases, but life is about doing things you don’t necessarily feel like doing and still doing it anyway.
I’m currently focusing very hard on my work as I started a new job in May in which I am a contracted employee for a faith based hospital system with multiple locations in the United States and I really hope that when my contract ends I get offered a permanent position. At this point in my life, I just want stability, while also having opportunities for growth and development in the workplace, and this company has been amazing thus far. I can really see myself growing and staying there a long time, if they will have me. The leadership has been awesome, unlike anything I have seen while working at previous jobs, and it truly seems like the team is happy to be there and enjoys their jobs, which is a great sign of an awesome work environment.
What I am really striving for at this point in time is getting better, healthier, and back to my old self again, and be even better than I was before.
I have already taken baby steps in my “back to wellness” journey- I started taking vitamins again, my husband and I started a great budgeting system to start saving for a house, I got an awesome new job that I love, I’ve begun to start doing small self-care routines again, my husband and I plan to go Keto again, and start taking walks… it may not be huge feats at the moment, but it is a step in the right direction. Even sitting here to write my first blog post in nearly a month is a big accomplishment.
At this time in my life, I am trying to be kind to myself, do my due diligence, and work on myself and that’s all I really can do for now. I know it may take some time, but I will get there a better, stronger, and healthier version of myself.