Posted in Journaling

Stuck At A Yellow Light

April 26, 2022

I’ve been through a lot in my life, as much as I hate to say it, but what hasn’t killed me has made me stronger, even when I don’t feel strong.

So many people tell me how strong I am, but I don’t see it. I feel like a prisoner trapped in my own body-with internal pain boiling up inside, so much that I want to claw my way out… Maybe the “real me” would show up- whoever that is.

I feel so lost in this world, so alone. Sometimes I like it that way, other times I feel like I wish someone would save me. I feel like a burden, turning to others for strength. Maybe that’s the key? To finding…me. Lean only on myself and learn.

I’ve always been an open book-maybe too open, maybe the book should close, so I stop externalizing support from others and teach myself how to self soothe, like a baby.

A secret, to me, feels like a fire in the pit of my stomach. I can keep secrets for anyone but me. Chronically over sharing is not good, but under sharing is even worse.

What is the middle ground? Modesty?

Who knows.

I want to change, I want to transform my life, I want a clean slate, a new chapter. A stable sense of purpose. I want to help people.

I remember telling someone that many years ago, “I want to help people.” They responded with, “You need to help yourself first.”

I thought about this last week. I felt resentment.

Then, just now- I understand, eleven years later.

The thing is… how?

Do I rely on others so much that it has formed the basis of my happiness? Where did I go wrong? Is it too late?

A woman told me today she is feeling like she is always stuck at the yellow light. I don’t think I can identify with much more than that right now.

“What do you think I’d see
If I could walk away from me…”

Candy Says, The Velvet Underground