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  • Lessons I’ve Learned In My Career Field After Ten Years

    Lessons I’ve Learned In My Career Field After Ten Years

    *If you are interested in only reading the list I have put together, keep scrolling as my introduction is a bit lengthy*

    I started my journey into the Medical Billing career field after graduating from high school in 2007 and immediately attending college that fall.

    Unfortunately, my high school didn’t offer much in terms of college counseling or any assistance in what my next steps could possibly be after graduation. As a matter of fact, I had absolutely no idea that I was even supposed to be applying to colleges in the beginning of my senior year, and only realized it when I heard classmates talking about what schools they had been accepted to. I remember thinking to myself, “oh shit, what am I going to do?” I had never even taken the SATs, nor did I have any idea of the importance of taking it or why I should even take it at all.

    I applied to one school and was accepted. It was a private college and the one school I knew it was unlikely I would see many people at who I graduated with, which at the time was my ultimate goal.

    My parents gave me a check for the $30 application or admission fee, and my dad and I went to the school together and got me signed up for the fall semester. It is one of my best memories with my dad, knowing I was doing something to make him proud. We joked about how I could become the CEO of a Fortune 500 company one day, sorry dad…

    My first major was in business marketing, but with the economic crash in 2008 I figured it may be best to change my major. I had never considered the medical field as an option. Honestly, I thought the medical field was only doctors and nurses, and I definitely didn’t have it in me to peruse such a path.

    By 2008 my best friend had joined me at the college and had started her major in Human Resources. I had told her I had decided business just wasn’t going to work out, and I wanted to see what my other options were. So, we picked up the college catalog, looked into what would probably be the most attainable degree in the medical field and decided on Medical Billing. I vividly remember going into the admissions office together and the officer telling us, “I don’t even understand why this is a degree program, all you need is a certificate to do medical billing.”

    Oh, my, how the times have changed.

    I’ll spare you the rest of the dirty details of college life, pre-algebra, and Saturday morning anatomy and ICD-9 coding classes. However, I will tell you it took me FOUR YEARS to complete an associates degree in applied sciences due to the inner workings of the college, classes only being offered at certain times of the year and having to switch my program for a third time.

    I competed a two-year degree in applied sciences with a concentration in Health Information Technology in less than a year by going to school year round and taking 17 credit hours per quarter in an accelerated program and of course working my ass off.

    Once I finally had that degree in my hands, it was 2012. The whole class of Health Information Technology students got absolutely screwed by the school after the director of the program retired and had nowhere to place any of us for the internships required to complete our degree. I ended up doing two different internships, one at a nursing home in the Medical Records Department and the other at my uncle’s chiropractic clinic.

    Of course, no one wanted to hire me after I got my degree due to no real on the job experience in the field. I took odds and ends jobs, selling Avon, working at Kmart, and as a one on one student aide for an amazing little boy who had Autism in an elementary school.

    At this point I decided I should probably get back into gear and get my bachelors degree, so back to college it was. The friend, that I had mentioned earlier, and I had parted ways for nearly three years and on my first day in creative writing class whose name do I see on the sign-in sheet…

    Every day I dreaded going to that class. I didn’t want to face her, I didn’t want to talk to her. How could I? What would I even say?

    Halfway through the quarter during some downtime in the class I see her in my peripheral vision walking towards me, she sat down and started picking up where we left off nearly three years prior, and we became friends again.

    Luckily for the both of us, she had landed a medical billing job and had become the leader of the department. I never asked her for a job, not once, I thought that would be extremely tacky and besides she didn’t owe me a thing, certainly not a career.

    However, two weeks later, she offered me a job. I was finally going to get my foot in the door as a medical biller on November 12, 2012, and I have been ever since.

    Admittedly, in the nearly ten years I have been working in the Medical Billing field I have had many roles and positions-from the nobody to the director and then back to nobody again.

    Recently, due to my Medical issues, the company I was working for had enough of dealing with me and my problems and gave me an ultimatum-resign or go on a performance improvement plan and if you don’t meet our quota by the end of May you will be terminated.

    I decided I wasn’t going to be backed into a corner, and I was going to go on their performance improvement plan and see if their goals were achievable-they weren’t, and I ultimately decided to resign.

    Luckily, I had an offer on the table with an awesome company that is rapidly expanding, going back to my roots of professional and facility billing with a higher pay grade than I had ever made in my career. So here I go again, on to a new chapter.

    The past few days I have been reflecting on my time as a medical biller and the companies I have worked for in the past and have compiled a list of the dos and don’ts of having a “real” job.

    So, my gift to you, a comprehensive list of things I wish I would have known going into the workforce. This list applies to any chosen career field, not just medical billing, and is a cautionary tale of my own career blunders.

    Lessons I’ve Learned In My Career Field After Ten Years

    Keep A Copy Of Your Companies Policy ALWAYS: Of course when you start a job you have to read through the company policy book and sign a paper ensuring your compliance, but do you actually have a copy of that handbook still? Probably not. Always make sure you save a copy of your company’s policy book in a safe place. You never know when you may need to access it for crucial information regarding attendance policies, paid time off, FMLA, or literally anything else that may come up in the future. That way, you have the information handy before you have to start asking questions. For example, I had quit a job in the month of January when my paid time off had started over for the calendar year. My employer refused to pay me out my vacation time, and I had to go to the State Of Michigan and file a complaint. I had a copy of my company’s policy stating that they do pay out upon termination of employment, and I was sent a check for a week’s pay. Even though the company tried to fight it- it was clear as day that it was in their policy that they were to pay out employees earned paid time off. Always make sure you have that policy and procedure book in your grasp, you never know when you are going to need it.

    Keep Your Own Daily Record Of Productivity: Most companies are very number driven, especially if you are working in the Medical Billing field. The amount of work you are doing is your bread and butter. Usually numbers are ran on a weekly or monthly basis, and you always want to make sure you have your own productivity recorded to ensure that your numbers match up with what management has in case there are discrepancies. Regardless of your quota, always remember to never compromise quality over quantity.

    Be Transparent: Transparency is key with your employer, whether it is struggling with your job duties, mental or physical health, and or with anything that could be affecting your job performance, make sure to let either a manager or your Human Resources department know before it becomes a problem.

    Ask Questions: Never be afraid to ask questions. Even if you have asked the same question ten times before and the answer is still not clicking with you-ask again. Sometimes it just takes asking one more time, maybe from a different source, for the mental pieces to fall into place. Although it may seem like you are annoying your manager or trainer, companies appreciate it when an employee asks questions until they fully understand before making a detrimental mistake or creating a habit of doing things incorrectly unknowingly.

    Keep Good Records: Make sure to keep a good record of all emails, screenshots, and or things that could come back to haunt you in the future. If something doesn’t sit right with you, or you have a feeling that you are being told something that is incorrect, keep all pertaining information given in a safe place just in case it comes back up in the future.

    Work-Life Balance: Life is not work and work is not life, make sure you are taking care of yourself mentally and physically. Take those breaks and lunches that you are entitled to daily, you need them and when it’s time to clock out or log off for the day mentally take yourself away from work, watch a movie, do a craft, go for a jog or walk, do something you enjoy, work will be there waiting for you tomorrow enjoy your “me time” and mentally check out when you are done for the day.

    Keep It Professional: Work relationships and friendships can be amazing, trust me, some of my fondest memories are working in a dumpy little office with my coworker listening to 1980s love songs on Pandora and dancing to Motown when no one was watching us. I have even made lifelong friendships with past managers and bosses who I’d become close with over the years. However, it is very easy for work friendships and or relationships to turn sour, quickly, especially when promotions and other factors are involved. I know I said transparency is key with your employer and even your coworker friends, but always make sure you remain tight-lipped when it comes to certain information, especially about yourself and other employees. Trust me, this has come back to bite me in the past, giving too much information to sources that were untrustworthy or giving your boss a little more information than they should realistically know. Go with your gut instinct, use common sense, and just be smart with information you decide to share about yourself or others.

    Know Your Worth: Listen closely, I have left jobs, taken $3 pay cuts and went back to the bottom of the barrel when a very high paying job broke me down to nothing. I remember being so physically ill, dry heaving and vomiting when I would have to be on phone calls with the doctor who owned one of the practices I was employed at. I would be called into his office every Friday only to be screamed at and verbally abused until one day I came home so broken down I laid on the floor of my living room and sobbed. I knew that I didn’t deserve that disgusting treatment after four long years of dedicated employment trying to prove myself worthy to a “top physician” who didn’t give two shits about me. So, I got out, I took the pay cut, and it wasn’t pretty, but I knew my worth, and it wasn’t being treated like a doormat. Regardless of that dollar amount you are being paid, your life and mental health is worth so much more.

    Ultimately, I hope someone will take advice from this list and apply it to their own journey, as there are a lot of people who may or may not be out to get you if they don’t care for the cut of your jib.

    Proceed, always, with caution, and make sure you know your rights as an employee and know how to protect yourself in case of an unfortunate event that could leave a blemish on your personal record.

  • Stuck At A Yellow Light

    Stuck At A Yellow Light

    April 26, 2022

    I’ve been through a lot in my life, as much as I hate to say it, but what hasn’t killed me has made me stronger, even when I don’t feel strong.

    So many people tell me how strong I am, but I don’t see it. I feel like a prisoner trapped in my own body-with internal pain boiling up inside, so much that I want to claw my way out… Maybe the “real me” would show up- whoever that is.

    I feel so lost in this world, so alone. Sometimes I like it that way, other times I feel like I wish someone would save me. I feel like a burden, turning to others for strength. Maybe that’s the key? To finding…me. Lean only on myself and learn.

    I’ve always been an open book-maybe too open, maybe the book should close, so I stop externalizing support from others and teach myself how to self soothe, like a baby.

    A secret, to me, feels like a fire in the pit of my stomach. I can keep secrets for anyone but me. Chronically over sharing is not good, but under sharing is even worse.

    What is the middle ground? Modesty?

    Who knows.

    I want to change, I want to transform my life, I want a clean slate, a new chapter. A stable sense of purpose. I want to help people.

    I remember telling someone that many years ago, “I want to help people.” They responded with, “You need to help yourself first.”

    I thought about this last week. I felt resentment.

    Then, just now- I understand, eleven years later.

    The thing is… how?

    Do I rely on others so much that it has formed the basis of my happiness? Where did I go wrong? Is it too late?

    A woman told me today she is feeling like she is always stuck at the yellow light. I don’t think I can identify with much more than that right now.

    “What do you think I’d see
    If I could walk away from me…”

    Candy Says, The Velvet Underground

  • Planning Your Bridal Shower – Practical Items To Add To Your Registry

    Planning Your Bridal Shower – Practical Items To Add To Your Registry

    Planning your bridal shower registry can be fun, stressful and daunting. Going to the store and using that little scanner is just about one of the best feelings in the world, however, tread lightly because I am about to share with you what you need vs. what you want on your bridal registry.

    When planning your registry there are a few things to consider, do you already live with your partner? How much stuff have you already accumulated together? How much space do you have to store your goodies in once you pack that car up and drive home from your shower?

    My husband and I both had a mishmash of things we had accumulated over the years as we both had lived on our own prior to moving in together. We live in a 900 sq ft apartment, although we have a utility room, spare room and attic space, we still seem to have trouble finding proper room for things.

    I will admit when planning our wedding registry, we did go a little willy-nilly, however, nothing we had on our registry wasn’t actually practical, it just wasn’t practical for the space we currently have.

    I was very reluctant to put anything too “pricey” or completely unpractical on our registry because, I of course, have looked at some other couples registries and have scoffed at some of the bullsh*t that they have put on their list.

    Another thing that I took into consideration while planning my registry was what my friends and family would be willing to pay and or afford and the stores available to them. Ultimately, I chose Target and Amazon, for two very good reasons. Number one Target, a physical store, is very prominent in the area we live in and nearly every next town over has one even if there’s not one locally. Many people enjoy going to a physical store to find your registry items, as it feels more personal to them rather than ordering from an online store. Also, Target has a great online selection, if a guest would rather opt for a ship to store instead they can do so.

    Secondly, I chose Amazon due to the fact that we were greatly in pandemic mode in my home state of Michigan this time last year and I felt that the option for a guest to send a gift to our home without feeling obligated to physically come to the shower, reducing the risk of possible COVID exposure would be more convenient for those who didn’t feel comfortable going to the restaurant where the shower was located.

    We received so many beautiful gifts from friends, family, and loved ones and overall it was an amazingly special day. I remember being so overwhelmed by how many gifts we received that it took me almost two weeks and a ton of organization to get everything put away.

    Unfortunately, I no longer have access to my registry to show you what we put on it, however I will give you a list of the best and most used items that we received and provide links to where the items are from:

    Target

    Keurig K-Mini Single-Serve K-Cup Pod Coffee Maker

    This Keurig Mini was one of the first items to be purchased off of my registry, and I was absolutely thrilled (thank you GiGi)! At the time, I had some knock off Keurig coffee maker that would take forever to brew a cup of coffee and would splash everywhere! Hands down, this is the most used item from my registry that I use every single morning.

    Sunbeam 4 Slice Extra-Wide Slot Toaster

    I was also thrilled to see the Sunbeam 4 slice toaster purchased from my registry (thank you, Jessica!) as I had been without a toaster for about four years. Subsequently, I was also happy because Sean and I could both have two pieces of toast at the same time without having to put it under the broiler in the oven. Brilliant!

    Crock-Pot 6qt Programmable Cook & Carry Slow Cooker

    Since I moved out on my own in 2014 I have been using an old Hamilton Beach slow cooker I had put in layaway at Kmart when I started loading up on items I would need for my apartment as well as an old Crockpot that was my aunt’s (hey Shellz) circa 1980 something. Often, I would like to dual cook meals in the two slow cookers, so I could freeze them and have leftovers for the week. Now, anyone who owns an older slow cooker knows the horror of having to take it to a potluck and have the lid slide all over, compromising the whole meal. Not this one! It has nice latches that hold the top on for maximum security when in travel, as well as digital settings where you can choose the temperature at which you want to cook your food at instead of the traditional warm, medium, or high settings.

    Rachael Ray Create Delicious 13pc Aluminum Nonstick Cookware Set

    When planning my bridal registry, I knew it was the perfect opportunity to add some new cookware for my kitchen. Since I have been living on my own, I have gone through 2 to 3 different “starter” sets of pots and pans, until I finally invested in a stainless steel set. This Rachel Ray 13-piece set has been the perfect addition as we love to cook and go through tons of cookware while doing so, and having a nice variety definitely helps!

    Threshold™ 400 Thread Count Solid Performance Pillowcase Set

    Threshold™ 400 Thread Count Printed Performance Sheet Set

    Threshold™ 300 Thread Count Organic Cotton Solid Sheet Set

    I don’t know what it is about these Threshold sheets, but they have got a strong hold on me. I remember this brand being the first “nice” set of sheets I ever invested in, and I haven’t turned back since! They are extremely durable and soft, with very deep pockets, which is a must when you have a tossing and turning partner. It seems like with every wash they get cozier and softer. I currently have four sets and not one of them has started to wear down or have rips, tears, or holes in them. If you want to invest in some good quality sheets for an affordable price, I highly recommend anything from the Target Threshold line, you will not be disappointed.

    Casaluna™ Heavyweight Linen Blend Quilt

    We spend a lot of time in our bedroom watching movies, taking naps and hanging out with our favorite kitties. This Casaluna Heavyweight Linen Blend Quilt feels so amazing on our bed and gives us the perfect amount of warmness throughout all the Midwestern seasons. I also like that we chose the black quilt due to any stains, spills or pet accidents (of the vomiting variety). It is easy to throw right into the washing machine and dry on a regular heat cycle. Again, another product made with very high quality at a fair price that will last a long time.

    Casaluna™ Oversized Solid Bed Throw

    To be 100% transparent with you, I absolutely hate this blanket, however, my husband absolutely loves it. It is a nice oversized chunky blanket that covers him completely (he is approximately 6 ft) and it gives him a sense of comfort like a weighted blanket. It is a beautiful piece for your bed and made with very high quality, however, it just isn’t my personal cup of tea due to the way it feels for some odd reason. I have thrown this in the washing machine multiple times and dried on low heat, and it comes out feeling very soft and nice, but it’s just not a blanket I personally enjoy using.

    AllerEase Ultimate Mattress Protector

    This should go without saying, but always have a protector on your mattress, please. It will save you so much trouble keeping it clean and will increase the longevity of your mattress.

    The one regret I do have with this mattress protector is not getting something that is waterproof. We recently had an accident in bed where our trouble kitty, Lucy, spilled a whole cup of water from the night stand on to the bed, soaking the pillows and mattress. Luckily it was just water, however, you don’t want any kind of mold or fungus growing in your mattress.

    Fair warning, this mattress protector is very taxing to actually put on your mattress as you must fully put the mattress inside it. This product is not a mattress topper, which I initially thought it was when I added it to our registry. So zipping the mattress inside can be a bit of a task.

    Brightroom™ Twisted Rope Hamper Blue

    Currently, we own three of these hampers and we both love them. They are very deep and have the capacity to hold a ton of clothing and towels (if you hate doing laundry as much as we do). We assigned one for towels, one for Sean’s clothing and the other for my clothing to keep our items separate and easy to locate when needed. These hampers are definitely a great investment, especially if you have to take laundry to a laundromat or a facility within your apartment complex. They are not too shabby on the eyes, easy to store in a closet, and overall a nice little luxury item in your home.

    Amazon

    Sixteen Piece Stainless Steel Measuring Cups and Spoons Set with Silicone Handle

    These stainless steel measuring cups and spoons are an absolutely perfect addition to anyone’s kitchen, regardless if you are super into cooking or not so much. The assortment of cup and spoon sizes are wonderful, and they are super easy to store and keep clean. Definitely a must-have for anyone starting out on their own or with their partner.

    Mixed Flat & Terry Kitchen Towels Set of Six

    These kitchen towels, unlike many cheaper towels, absorb water quickly and actually dry your dishes nicely. Prior to my wedding shower, I would only buy dishtowels at the Dollar Tree and was never really happy with the way they fell apart so quickly and would leave fabric residue on my clean dishes. Amazon has a nice variation of colors and patterns in this set, I chose teal as all of my kitchen accessories and accents are teal. Definitely highly recommended for a wedding shower registry- I also highly recommend asking for a quantity of two sets if you are just starting out or if you want to replace your old towels.

    HEPA Air Purifier for Home Bedroom for Dust, Odor, and Pet Dander

    This little air purifier is great if you have pets or have an old air flow system, like we do in our apartment. It works great in small spaces such as a bedroom or office and keeps the air free of dust and pet hair. I am really glad that I put this on my registry, as it has significantly reduced the allergens in the air and creates a clean environment for your respiratory system.

    KitchenAid Expandable Stainless Steel Colander

    The KitchenAid Expandable Colander is one of the most useful items I own. For years, I had small colander’s that were an absolute nightmare to use if you even had a few dishes in the sink. Just the thought of the colander sitting in the bottom of the sink grosses me out. I love that this fits perfectly over the sink and has a great expandable length that fits most standard sinks. I will warn you it tends to be a bit taxing to keep clean when soft or mushy items get stuck to the mesh, however, if you give it a good soak in some warm soapy water and use a good scrubby sponge over it, it cleans up very nicely.

    Maples Rugs Pelham Vintage Kitchen Rugs Non Skid Washable Accent Area Carpet 

    I am so like my Mother and Nana when it comes to changing out home decor such as rugs. I absolutely love having a nice accent rug, especially in the kitchen. I added three of these to my registry, one for the stove and refrigerator areas, as well as below the sink. These rugs are very durable, non-slip, and best of all machine washable. Amazon has a great variety of colors, patterns, and sizes to choose from. Again, I choose a teal accent to match my current kitchen decor. Overall, they are a great price (starting at $12.99) very durable, and add a classy look to wherever you may choose to place them.

    Lemeya Twenty-Piece Gold Silverware Set, Stainless Steel Cutlery Utensils

    Although I still have some mismatched silverware from previous sets I’ve owned in the past eight years, it is nice to finally have a gorgeous matching set such as this. The pieces are heavy, durable, and large and are beautiful to showcase when entertaining guests. They are very easy to keep clean and have yet to be scratched, and the gold plating has yet to chip off from normal wear and tear.

    To be honest, this is not the exact set that I had on my registry as at the time, all that was available was the standard size fork, spoon and butter knife set. I believe it was service for four, and I put two on my registry, so I would have service for eight in total.

    Keep in mind that these pieces are larger than your standard size silverware and can sometimes be difficult to store in your kitchen drawers, so make sure you have ample room, so you don’t get a drawer jam up.

    Audio-Technica Automatic Bluetooth Stereo Turntable

    Sean and I had always talked about starting a vinyl record collection and decided that our one random fun thing we would add to our registry would be this Bluetooth stereo turntable. No one purchased it off of the registry for my bridal shower, however, one afternoon (post bridal shower) I stepped outside and seen an Amazon package, neither of us had ordered anything, and I was super curious as to what it was. I brought it in, opened it and to my surprise it was the record player! A cousin of Sean’s who lives out of state and couldn’t make it to the wedding had found our registry online and sent it to us as a wedding gift! We were both beyond thrilled! We haven’t had a chance to use it yet due to limited space, however, I was sent a Lou Reed box set collection of records, as a wedding gift, and I am dying to play them!

    Our Current Storage Solution

    Furinno Turn-N-Tube 4-Tier Multipurpose Shelf Display Rack

    As I’ve mentioned, we are living with limited space. Luckily, inside our apartment we have a decent sized utility room with our own personal washer and dryer, and have four of these shelves lining the walls. We owned two prior to our shower to put household supplies on, and then ordered an additional two shelves for our new appliances and kitchen gadgets we received as gifts from the shower. These shelves are extremely useful, are the perfect size for what we are currently working with, and are easily accessible. They are also super easy to put together and very lightweight. Amazon also has a nice variety of different colors and sizes as well to fit any space you are looking to organize.

    Our Wedding Shower: August 7, 2021

    For some reason, planning my bridal shower was more stressful than actually planning the wedding. We had a few hiccups during the planning process and had to change locations at the last minute. I wanted to go with an Alice in Wonderland themed shower, for me, it holds a special purpose. I have always loved the story of Alice in Wonderland, from the original 1958 Disney movie to the book by Lewis Carroll, I have always identified with Alice- a girl lost in a nonsense world trying to make sense of something she can’t quite understand. My bridal shower was, in a way, me growing up and leaving the child I was in the past. I had found my soulmate, I was to be a wife, and I had finally come into my own.

    I wish I would have been able to do all the cool ideas my Matron of Honor and I came up with, however, due to the last minute location change a lot of our ideas had to be scrapped. The spirit of Wonderland was still a part of my day, with beautiful tea pots full of wild flowers and framed quotes from the book. Overall, the day turned out beautiful, and I thank my mother-in-law, Sharon, for helping me pull off my special day.

  • The Murder of Nancy Spungen: A Deep Dive

    The Murder of Nancy Spungen: A Deep Dive

    Nancy Spungen and Sid Vicious are two of the most well known and controversial punk icons of their time. Coined the anti Romeo and Juliet of the 1970s punk scene, their candles quickly burned out, leaving behind a mystery that has yet to be solved almost 44 years later.

    Both Sid and Nancy’s untimely deaths leave many questions to be answered and can be regarded as a high point of interest for many punk lovers like myself. Sid Vicious, who’s real name was John Simon Ritchie, was the smoking gun in the murder case of Nancy Spungen- he was the person who reported the “accident,” he had contradicting accounts of what happened that night, ultimately confessed, but then also claimed he wasn’t the murderer. He was a punk rocker who was part of a terrifying new take on music in London targeting the royal political aspects of the United Kingdom, his name was Sid Vicious, he was a “junkie” and well known for acts of harming himself and others, especially Nancy- it was the perfect scenario for the NYPD to look at this case as open and shut, Sid ultimately being the murderer.

    However, there are many varying theories pointing to different scenarios that could have played out in the early morning hours of October 12, 1978, the day Nancy was murdered, found clad in only her black panties and bra wedged between the sink and toilet in room 100 of the Hotel Chelsea.

    Although most of the facts are public knowledge and easily available on the internet, I decided, for myself to take a deep dive into the life of Nancy Spungen and the inevitable murder of Nancy Spungen in a way I never had before, so I could develop a timeline of her early life, adolescence, her emergence onto the punk scene, her relationship with Sid and ultimately her murder.

    Trust me when I tell you that this piece has been very taxing, especially on my mental health, being immersed in a murder, the accounts of Nancy’s troublesome life, and trying to make sense of a case shrouded in mystery and contradictions.

    I have watched many documentaries, Youtube videos, read Nancy’s mother’s book And I Don’t Want To Live This Life, scoured the internet for documents, police reports, read many Reddit threads regarding the murder and have pretty much completely immersed myself in research for the last two weeks.

    I’m not writing this to clear Sid’s name, defend Nancy’s behaviors or condone the abuse of drugs and violence, no. I want to present the facts, the contradictions, and all the information I can, so you, as the reader, can determine what you think may have transpired on October 12, 1978 and possibly give someone who doesn’t even know the names Sid and Nancy information on this highly complex, yet open and quickly closed case.

    Buckle in folks, we are heading out on a fast track to a downward spiral very quickly…

    Nancy Laura Spungen The Early Years

    Nancy Laura Spungen was born five weeks prematurely on February 27, 1958 at the University of Pennsylvania Hospital in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania to Jewish parents Deborah and Frank Spungen. Nancy’s birth was very traumatic, and her life nearly ended before it even started. The problematic birth was due to a prolapsed umbilical cord causing her to be born with severe cyanosis due to low blood oxygen levels, often referred to as “blue baby syndrome” due to the blueish hue of the infant’s skin as a result of decreased amounts of hemoglobin in the baby’s blood. When umbilical prolapse occurs, the baby must be delivered immediately to avoid any risks related to oxygen reduction. Although uncommon (1 in 1,000 births) umbilical cord prolapse is very dangerous for a baby, a study conducted out of 307 cases 7% of babies died due to the anomaly (What You Should Know About Umbilical Cord Prolapse, WebMD). Nancy also had severe jaundice due to an ABO incompatibility, which occurs when the mother’s blood type is O and the infant’s blood type is either A or B, and received a series of exchange transfusions starting when she was only days old. She was four days old when her mother finally got to hold her infant daughter for the first time. After spending eight days in the hospital Deborah and Nancy were discharged home. Doctors assured Deborah and Frank that they had a perfectly healthy baby girl and to take her home and treat her like one.

    Nancy was a very difficult infant who cried and screamed constantly in agony from the moment her parents brought her home from the hospital. As described by her mother Nancy was acutely nervous, angry and would never sleep for more than an hour at a time only to awake screaming once again. Worried, Deborah took her infant daughter to a pediatrician who prescribed Nancy liquid Phenobarbital classified as a barbiturate, at only three months old in hopes it would calm her down but mostly to pacify her mother’s concerns the only thing the Phenobarbital accomplished was masking whatever the actual problem with Nancy may have been.

    In her memoir And I Don’t Want To Live This Life, Deborah states that she strongly believes that neurological damage set in within the first 24 hours of her life, which was left undetected.

    Although Nancy had a rough start from early on she was an extremely intelligent and active child, described as “tremendously bright and verbal at a very early age” by her mother. She had incredible amounts of energy, was very curious and aware of her surroundings, she even started crawling at six months old, however, she never wanted to stop crawling and refused to be contained, she would completely stiffen her whole body up and screaming with fury.

    As she grew Nancy became increasingly more difficult and harder to control, she struggled with giving and receiving affection and had terrible fits over the smallest things. She would cry, scream, roll on the floor, and repeatedly hit herself in the face, she would be so upset that she would begin to hyperventilate and then pass out. Pediatricians claimed it was just a case of the “terrible twos” but Deborah knew better. These fits would go on morning, afternoon, and night, over any and every little thing from coloring outside the lines in her coloring book or having to put her pajamas on while getting ready for bed. These fits and tantrums became increasingly more violent as Nancy got older.

    Around the age of ten or so, Nancy’s mental state began to significantly deteriorate in front of her parents eyes. There are several incidences that occurred, proving that Nancy was in fact a disturbed child. In her mother’s memoir And I Don’t Want To Live This Life, Deborah states that at one point Nancy put her beloved cat in a bag and attempted to throw it off the stairs, then went into a confused haze not knowing where she was or what she was doing, Deborah recalls her daughter getting a glazed look in her eyes like she was looking through you, blankly. Other incidences that occurred due to Nancy’s mental state were, trying to stab a babysitter with a pair of scissors, going after her mother with a hammer, ripping the screen out of her bedroom window, ready to jump screaming “I wanna die! I wanna die! I’m going to kill myself! I wanna die!” Running away from school with no recollection of why, the school calling her mother telling her she ran out with a “blank” look on her face, extreme paranoia that everyone was “against” her, continuous self harm, hallucinations, gathering all the kitchen knives to stab her siblings… it is truly disturbing, the above-mentioned incidences don’t even scratch the surface of how disturbed Nancy’s behavior was.

    It came to the point where the public school system could no longer handle Nancy’s disruptive and violent behavior, and her parents were told ultimately not to bring her back. With nowhere to turn, every door slamming in their face, Frank and Deborah had no choice but to commit Nancy to the adolescent unit of a mental institution at eleven years old. However, the stint didn’t last long and Nancy was soon right back to square one in her parent’s care after seeing the conditions and learning that Nancy was not in fact in the adolescent ward but in the general population with adults. Nancy pleaded with her parents to remove her and without hesitation they did, she made promises to them, she would go to school, see her psychiatrist, whatever they wanted… once discharged and entering the car Nancy began to giggle when Deborah asked her what was so funny Nancy responded: “I’m not gonna do any of those things I promised. I only said them, so you’d get me out of there. Tricked ya (And I Don’t Want to Live This Life: A Mother’s Story of Her Daughter’s Murder, Deborah Spungen, 1983).”

    Records dating back to fall of 1969, that I believe Deborah obtained after Nancy’s death, stated that it was strongly felt as though Nancy was suffering from schizophrenia, however, at the time of Nancy’s psychiatric evaluation her parents asked the doctor what he believed Nancy’s diagnosis was, and he stated he did not have one. When asked what their next step should be with Nancy, the doctor literally replied, and I quote, “Damned if I know.”

    It is very clear that Nancy was a product of a flawed mental health system. No doctor could understand what was actually wrong with Nancy, her parents were pushed off by multiple physicians and told she was a very bright child and would outgrow her erratic behaviors. No doctor was ever able to get to the root of the problem, as she was a child who fit no typical mold.

    Luckily, salvation came to the Spungen’s in the form of a school for disturbed children in Connecticut called Barton, apart of The Darlington Institute, which immediately enrolled her after interviewing her. Nancy excelled in her new environment, making friends, something in which she highly had struggled with all of her life and she became very fond of the couple who ran the school, and was finally becoming stable, enough so that her whole family noticed the drastic improvement in her behavior. The following year, after summer break, Nancy returned to Barton, however, the school had changed hands, and it was a completely different atmosphere, upon arrival Nancy was immediately off put and started to once again, deteriorate mentally and act out. It was then she was sent to another school called Avon, it was at this school Nancy became involved with drugs.

    The Avon school was a major turning point in Nancy’s life, she had found herself a boyfriend named Jeff who was in a band at the school, started experiementing with marijuana and LSD, became sexually active and tried to attempt suicide on multiple occasions. It was also during this time that Nancy was reevaluated by a doctor who informed Deborah and Frank that Nancy was a prime candidate for serious drug problems in the future do to her vaulnerability and being overly medicated from such a young age, it was also noted by the doctor that his diagnosis for her was schizophrenia.

    With yet another school system unable to handle Nancy the campus was ready to graduate her at age fifteen, however her parents insisted that she was far too young, unstable and unadjusted, and insisted that she be kept for another year. After finding this out Nancy responded by slashing her wrists by the time she went to the hospital and was treated she was five minutes away from bleeding to death.

    Nancy graduated high school at sixteen years old and was accepted to the University of Colorado. Nancy found trouble while in Colorado, receiving stolen property as well as purchasing drugs from an undercover agent. She was forced to leave the school and was sent home with her father back to Philidelphia. Depressed and constantly suicidal, Nancy again found herself in trouble in the form of reckless driving after driving off of the side of a freeway ramp, rolling the car three times down a twenty foot embankment on her way home from a rock club. The only recourse Deborah and Frank had for their daughter was to either leave her in a detention center for several days or have her committed. They chose the latter.

    While Nancy was committed Deborah decided to unpack her things from her dorm room at the University of Colorado, she unfolded a shirt and found syringes, a rubber catheter and spoons, it was at this time she knew Nancy had started using herion.

    The institution decided that it was best to release Nancy after a week or so due to the fact that the insurance would only cover a thirty day stay and Nancy was far too sick to be cured in thirty days. Their response to Deborah and Frank was “you’ve waited much too long to get her help.”

    Say what you want about Nancy, but I have to interject here, her tale, especially the accounts of her early life are absolutely heartbreaking, not only for her but her family as well. I cannot imagine how terrified her parents were for their child, or how terrified Nancy was of herself. She clearly had no control over her emotions and during this period in time mental health was not talked about, it didn’t receive recognition and truly Nancy suffered because of it. Had there been better resources for her parents, there probably would have been a better outcome for Nancy, and she could have received the help she truly and desperately needed.

    Nancy Moves To New York

    Desperate and running out of options, Frank and Deborah Spungen decided that the only way to find peace within their household and a better life for their family was to let Nancy go. They devised a plan in which they would move Nancy to New York and financially support her for six months until she got on her feet in the Big Apple. Nancy had no hesitation and thought of it as a great opportunity to be on her own and hopefully get into the music business. The day after Thanksgiving in 1974, after finding a small apartment in Chelsea, Nancy was on her way.

    Nancy was doing well for herself, at first. In her mother’s memoir And I Don’t Want To Live This Life, Deborah recalls visiting Nancy two weeks after she had moved into her Chelsea apartment. She had groceries, her bed was made, all of her things unboxed and put in their proper place. Nancy started going to the local hangouts, Max’s Kansas City and CBGB’s and started meeting musicians and mingling on the scene. Life at home for Deborah and Frank, as well as Nancy’s siblings, had gotten much calmer and more peaceful with Nancy out of the house.

    Unfortunately for Nancy and Deborah, Nancy’s success in the big city wouldn’t last more than two weeks. In December, a mere one month after her arrival, Deborah received a call from Nancy, slurring her words and sounding spaced out, stating that she had no food, couldn’t find a job, needed money and that she wasn’t feeling good. With a mother’s intuition and Nancy’s past drug use, Deborah knew Nancy had once again found drugs. Refusing to send money directly to Nancy, Deborah went to take food and supplies to Nancy herself. Upon arrival Debora stated Nancy looked awful, skin pale, with dark circles under her eyes, a terrible cough, unkempt and dirty. Her once tidy apartment was a total wreck and Nancy was terribly out of it. It was after this visit Nancy incessantly started calling her mother at all hours of the night, at work, at friends houses, she always needed to talk to her mother, whether for money or to sob on the phone because she had no friends and nobody liked her.

    By January 1975 Nancy started to finally settle into her life in New York, and the constant calls home started to subside-Nancy had found her people in the punk rock scene. Nancy became friendly with people such as The Ramones, Blondie, Richard Hell, and The New York Dolls. As described by Deborah, Nancy’s life in New York was sleeping all day, partying and getting high all night.

    At the time of her death, she was carrying a photo album portfolio which included a photo of her and Debbie Harry of Blondie. None of the above-mentioned came forward after Nancy’s death or offered condolences.

    Debbie Harry and Nancy Spungen

    In 1975 Nancy started “go-go” dancing in Times Square and became a hard core heroin addict. Deborah explains: “Nancy had been escaping life’s pain with drugs from the age of three months, as society had offered her no other way to cope with her pain. She had grown up drug dependent; now she was easing her pain through self prescription.”

    It’s important to not that Times Square in 1975 was definitely not the Times Square as we know it today, it was a much seedier and dangerous place, the streets riddled with drug peddlers, sex workers, peep shows, strip clubs, massage parlors, along with pornographic and live sex act theaters.

    In the quintessential all things punk book Please Kill Me: The Uncensored Oral History Of Punk, by Legs McNeil and Gillian McCain, Philippe Marcade, lead singer of the Senders, author and punk scene icon he was the one who put the bug in Nancy’s ear to go to England. As recalled in the book, Philippe recalls the night when Nancy called him up crying stating that she just slashed her wrist and that she wanted to “say goodbye.” Rushing over to her apartment Philippe found Nancy with a bandage over her massive gash- that luckily didn’t hit any arteries and was in shock that she had done this to herself. Nancy had called him on multiple occasions crying because no guy wanted to go out with her, in a way which I found brash and humorous at the same time Philippe states:

    “I told her, listen, no fucking guy will go out with you because you’re a junkie and it’s kinda gross, you know especially on a girl. What you should do is clean up your act, like maybe go on vacation. Don’t stay here, its too easy to cop. Go to England. They have all this great shit happening over there. I mean, you speak English so you’ll be fine (Please Kill Me: The Uncensored Oral History Of Punk, by Legs McNeil and Gillian McCain, 2016).”

    Nancy Arrives In London

    With the New York punk scene making its way over to London to see what was happening, and of course Jerry Nolan going to the UK to tour as the drummer of The Heartbreakers alongside the Sex Pistols for the infamous Anarchy In The UK tour, Nancy found it the perfect time to make her move. She was allegedly weaned off the methadone program and completely clean. Her parents, supportive yet skeptical of her decision to leave the country, gave her $500 from a savings bond she inherited by her great-grandfather and Nancy bought herself a one way ticket and was on her way.

    Nancy arrived in London, sometime in February 1977 with a mission, find Jerry Nolan and The Heartbreakers. I’ve come across multiple stories, but the most likely is that Nancy had gotten a hold of Jerry while she was still in New York to find out where The Heartbreakers were staying and wanted to see if they could put her up for a few nights. Jerry had a guitar he had pawned (for drug money), I believe he may have told her only if you get the guitar out of hock and bring it with you, and you better believe that is exactly what she did.

    The Heartbreakers manager Leee Childers was among the first to discover Nancy had turned up in the UK and was absolutely determined to keep her away from Jerry. Although Lee liked Nancy, he knew that her arrival had potential to be detrimental to an already deteriorating band. Jerry Nolan and Johnny Thunders were hard core heroin addicts, and it was always a struggle to get them on task. In Please Kill Me: The Uncensored Oral History Of Punk, Lee recalls: “I actually liked Nancy, but she was a junkie, a drug supplier, and an all around lowlife. And I was doing all I could to keep my band, The Heartbreakers, alive. The last thing I needed was Nancy Spungen to complicate things further. She was a very, very, very, very, very, bad influence on people who were already a mess. She was a troublemaker and a stirrer-upper (Please Kill Me: The Uncensored Oral History of Punk, Legs McNeil & Gillian McCain, August 9, 2016.).”

    Jerry Nolan confirms that he did hang out with Nancy frequently in New York, but only used her for drugs and money. Nancy had fallen for Jerry pretty hard, but the feeling was definitely not reciprocated. She would lie and tell everyone that Jerry was her boyfriend and that they had intimate relations, in which Jerry completely denied.

    Nancy couldn’t snag herself a Heartbreaker, but she did manage to snag herself a Pistol, or two… Apparently, before getting to Sid, she had sexual relations with Steve Jones, the Pistol’s guitarist and even tried to get to John Lydon (aka Johnny Rotten), before finding her way to Sid. It was February 1977 when Sid joined the Sex Pistols, replacing bassist Glen Matlock. Sid had already taken over the bass (even though he could hardly play a note) in the notorious band that was wreaking havoc over the UK once Nancy arrived. When she met Sid, all bets were off-he was her guy. As Leee Childers put it: “She wanted a rock star that she could fuck and give drugs to and take drugs with. That’s all she wanted. So when she got Sid, her goal was complete. She didn’t need to continue her search (Please Kill Me: The Uncensored Oral History of Punk, Legs McNeil & Gillian McCain, August 9, 2016.).”

    It has been claimed by those associated with the London punk scene that although drugs like heroin were around, they didn’t really hit the scene until The Heartbreakers showed up. The Heartbreakers were the ultimate punk band, from New York, and a bit older and more experienced with their musical talents among other things, were idolized by the London punks. Until The Heartbreakers came across the pond, the drug of choice among the London punk scene was mostly speed. The Heartbreakers, held in high regard as a band, are not held in high regard for bringing heroin on to the scene, it has been claimed by many that the introduction of heroin had a major effect on the new and exciting movement happening in the UK.

    Sid was dabbling in drugs way before The Heartbreakers and Nancy turned up in London, frequently using speed and drinking himself into oblivion, he was also known to be offered pills, take a handful of them and then inquire about what he had ingested. Jerry Nolan confirms in Please Kill Me: The Uncensored Oral History Of Punk, that Nancy, whom he had introduced to Sid, was the first person to shoot him up with heroin. Despite the fact that his mother, Anne Beverley, was a heroin addict, it was only until Sid met Nancy that he became addicted to heroin as well.

    All the members of the Sex Pistols despised Nancy and started seeing Sid deteriorate in front of their eyes. His behavior became more erratic, and he started trying to live the persona of Sid “Vicious” which was actually a nickname he was coined by his best friend John Lydon aka Johnny Rotten, derived from an inside joke between the two of them. Although the band despised Nancy and didn’t want her around, it was the bands “manager” or “mismanager” as he later called himself, Malcolm McLaren, that truly knew Nancy was a terrible influence on Sid and decided to try and get rid of her himself. Allegedly, he purchased a one way plane ticket to New York in Nancy’s name and devised a plan to kidnap her and take her to Heathrow Airport to get rid of her once and for all, whether botched or never coming to fruition the plan was a failure and Nancy remained in London.

    Sid and Nancy became inseparable, the two having a very dysfunctional relationship fueled by drugs and codependency. Nancy very much liked taking care of Sid in a motherly way, something that he craved due to the absence of love and affection from his own mother, due to her heavy drug use as he was growing up. It has been speculated by many people that knew him, Sid was quite possibly a virgin prior to meeting Nancy and was very shy around women.

    When the Sex Pistols left the UK to terrorize the US with their ill-fated tour in January 1978 it was an absolute adamant rule made by Malcolm McLaren that NO GIRLFRIENDS were allowed on the tour to ensure that Nancy would not be in tow terrorizing the group and supplying Sid with drugs. On tour, Sid became even more erratic as McLaren tried to keep him clean and sober. While withdrawing from heroin, Sid carved the words “GIMME A FIX” into a chest prior to a show in Texas and even attempted to bloody up a concert goer, who was taunting the band, by attempting to hit him with his bass. The tour ended after seven shows in the US, imploding in San Francisco. The band in utter despair, had absolutely had it, the mismanagement, the tension from within the band and Sid’s antics, they were just done. John Lydon notoriously walked off-stage in San Francisco and quit, and everyone decided to go their separate ways.

    Sid had lived out the ultimate dream of becoming a star in the band that he had loved so much during their rise to fame, after joining the band when bassist Glen Matlock, but due to his over the top antics and drug abuse ultimately destroyed the band. All that Sid was left with was his addiction and his Nancy.

    After the breakup of the Sex Pistols, Sid and Nancy faced legal charges in London, drug possession, among other things, and traveled to Paris for about a month to film The Great Rock ‘n’ Roll Swindle. It was during this time that Sid recorded the cover of My Way by Frank Sinatra for the film (you can listen to Sid’s version here), which failed to be a success. With Malcolm McLaren losing interest in his creation of Sid Vicious, Nancy decided that the best move for the couple would be to come back to the US for Sid to pursue a career as a solo artist, and Nancy becoming his new manager.

    Back To New York With A Pistol- Life At The Chelsea

    Hotel Chelsea: 222 West Twenty-Third Street, New York

    Sid & Nancy arrived in New York City and moved into The Hotel Chelsea, on August 24, 1978. The couple were very available whilst living in the Chelsea-there was no screening process such as checking in at the front desk when coming into the hotel, and people were coming in and going out constantly-drug dealers, sex workers, drug addicts, and all around shady characters.

    It is said that it was always widely known by other residents, guests, and those coming and going when the couple had money and drugs. Multiple accounts from people that knew Sid and Nancy recall Nancy dropping hundred dollar bills, unknowingly, throughout the hotel lobby when she would enter or exit, Neon Leon, a fellow musician and friend of the couple stated he felt as though Nancy was starting to “lose her street smarts” at this point in time as she was always very protective of managing Sid’s earnings.

    Sid and Nancy both came to the states with nasty heroin addictions, Sid’s seemingly more crippling than Nancy’s, and he got on a methadone program right away. Nancy got started on her new managerial duties, negotiating deals for Sid to play gigs at Max’s Kansas City, and a band of misfit musicians was quickly put together.

    Sid was hardly a star in the US, however, was very popular among a small scene of Punks who lined up around the block to come and see Sid play. Although the shows generated a lot of money for those involved (around $3-$4k per night) they were nothing short of a disaster on Sid’s behalf. Instead of the celebratory drugs after the shows, Sid decided to get loaded prior to going on stage and notoriously was nodding out looking and sounding like utter sh*t.

    Depressed, unable to find work, and nursing a nasty heroin habits, the tension in an already dysfunctional relationship between Sid and Nancy began to come to a head. The last phone call Nancy made to her mother on Sunday, October 8, 1978, she admitted that Sid had been beating her. Previously when her mother had seen stitches from where Nancy’s ear had been nearly torn off as well as a broken nose and bruises all over her body, Nancy had lied and said it was the “Teddy’s (a British youth subculture and rivals of Punks)” in London who were responsible. She also confessed that he had started abusing her once again, telling her mother that “I am at the bottom, Mum. This is it.” During her last phone call Nancy made sure to tell her mother to relay a message to her father telling him that she loved him, as she hung up the phone Nancy kept yelling “I love you, Mommy! I love you!” in her heart, Deborah knew Nancy was saying goodbye. It was the last time she would ever speak to her daughter (And I Don’t Want to Live This Life: A Mother’s Story of Her Daughter’s Murder, Deborah Spungen, 1983.).

    A Pieced Together Timeline Of Events October 12, 1978

    Between the hours of 9 pm and 12 am Sid and Nancy visit another residence in the Chelsea that of Honi O’Rourke and Neon Leon bringing along with them a portfolio of press clippings and photos, according to Neon Leon they were visiting they seemed very down and spoke of their “glory days” in a worried manner as if they knew their run had finally come to its end. They left the room around 12 am and returned to their respective room, 100. As the “legend” goes Sid ingested up to 30 Tuinal, a sedative and hypnotic “sleeping pill,” however, it is also likely that Sid may have shot up the Tuinal as opposed to swallowing them.

    The night of the murder, the couple was desperately looking for drugs (heroin) as they were coming down cold turkey and expressed that they needed something to help them “relax.” During this particular time it has been said it was becoming increasingly difficult to find heroin in Manhattan, and things started to become increasingly dangerous. Many people “on the scene” were starting to arm themselves with knives for protection.

    It is reported that once there was a delivery of pills made to the couple, as that was all there was available that night, there was a “party” in Sid and Nancy’s room that with a revolving door of other hotel residents, fellow drug users, and drug dealers. Legend has it that Sid took up to thirty Tuinal pills, supplied by drug dealer and “bodyguard” Rockets Redglare, and was passed out for the rest of the evening. As a matter of fact, Alan Parker states in Who Killed Nancy? that many people who attended the “party” in room 100 that night were shocked to wake up in the morning to the news that it was Nancy who was dead and not Sid due to his comatose like state.

    Around 4 am, Nancy phones Neon Leon looking for a joint and informs him that Sid had taken Tuinal and was completely passed out. It is at this time Neon Leon hears another voice in the background, that of a male and definitely not Sid, the identity of this other entity in the room is still unknown to this day.

    Before the grand jury and under oath Kenneth West, a Hotel Chelsea bellboy, states that around 5 am, while responding to a complaint by the resident in room 228 he encountered a loud and unruly Sid Vicious who confronted him physically following the altercation, Sid was left bleeding from the nose or mouth.

    At 5:30 am, a bloody Sid staggered into another room of a resident of the Hotel Chelsea, who refused to be identified.

    Allegedly, Sid confessed to journalist and photographer, Joe Stevens that after his fight with bellboy Kenneth West, he returned to his room where he had an argument with Nancy. According to Sid, she smacked him on the nose where Kenneth had punched him, so Sid pulled out his knife to threaten her, but Nancy leaned forward and was stabbed accidentally. Without realizing the seriousness of the wound, they both fell asleep, causing the hemorrhage to be fatal.

    According to the Chief Medical Examiner’s office, Nancy was most likely stabbed between the hours of 6 am – 7 am

    Vera Mendelssohn, Sid and Nancy’s next door neighbor who resided in room 102 of the Hotel Chelsea, reported hearing moaning and a woman’s voice emanating from room 100 at around 7:30 am, and it sounded as though the woman was alone in the room. Vera told the press the woman didn’t call anyone’s name- “She was just moaning.”

    Sid wakes up at around 10 am and felt that the bed was wet, he confesses to arresting officer Gerald Thomas of the NYPD 3rd Homicide Zone, that he thought he had “pee’d the bed” and then looked and saw that the bed was covered with blood. He then proceeded to the bathroom, in which he found Nancy on the bathroom floor. When asked what her condition was at that time, Sid said “she was breathing alright but wasn’t bleeding.” Sid then tells the detective that he then went to the methadone clinic. Sid claimed after he was finished at the methadone clinic, he returned to room 100 of the Hotel Chelsea, went back into the bathroom and Nancy was covered with blood. He then took the bloody knife off the bed, went into the bathroom and washed it, he put the knife down and then proceeded to wash the blood off of Nancy’s body “but there was too much blood and I couldn’t do it, so I left the towel on the floor, took the knife, put it back on the bed, and then I called the desk and told them that my girlfriend is hurt. That she needed an ambulance right away.”

    According to the Chief Medical Examiner’s office, Nancy most likely died between the hours of 8 am – 10 am and was dead on the scene when police officers arrived.

    Nancy’s Body Removed From The Hotel Chelsea

    Trouble In Room 100

    At 9:30 am, Herman Ramos, deskman at the Hotel Chelsea received a call from outside the hotel, a male voice stated “there is trouble in room 100.” It was at this time Ramos sent Charles the bellhop upstairs to investigate. At 10 am Sid called down to the hotel front desk and spoke to Ramos saying “Someone is sick-need help.” Between 10 am and 10:30 am Ramos calls for an ambulance.

    If we follow the timeline Sid claims to have woken up at 10 am, the bed was soaked in blood, he finds Nancy in the bathroom- still breathing and not bleeding, then proceeded to go to the methadone clinic. How could she have not been bleeding at this time? The bed was soaked in blood to the point Sid thought he had “pee’d the bed- there’s no way she wasn’t bleeding when he found her. Furthermore, if we follow the timeline none of this adds up…

    Sid would have had to wake up much earlier than 10 am to find Nancy still breathing, seeing that the Medical Examiner surmised that she died between 8 am and 10 am. Also, who made the outside call to the Chelsea at 9:30 am? Could it have been Sid or someone else? Someone else being either the methadone clinic asking where Nancy was and Sid slipping and saying she was unwell and or stabbed? Or could it have been another suspect in the murder trying to set Sid up? Or perhaps Sid himself after getting his methadone dose, gathering his thoughts, and realizing what he had seen?

    The Crime Scene

    At 10:45 am an ambulance along with police from the 10th precinct arrived- Nancy was dead upon their arrival and the 3rd Homicide Zone was notified.

    By 1 pm the Forensic Crime Scene Unit arrived on the scene to collect evidence, take photographs of the crime scene to later be analyzed. Upon their arrival items they found in the room are as follows:

    Nancy’s deceased body in the bathroom

    A blood soaked bed

    Multiple knives including the suspected murder weapon- A Jaguar K11 hunting knife with a 5 inch blade (apparently a gift to Sid from Nancy on October 11, 1978)

    Hypodermic Needles

    A bottle of Tuinal Pills

    A substance identified as “brown flaky powder”

    Three large trunks used to store the couples personal belongings

    Personal photos and memorabilia

    A very small amount of cash, described as Sid’s “pocket money” which was in Sid’s possession

    Sid and Nancy’s Bed Room 100 Crime Scene Photo
    Bloody Handprint On Bed
    The Murder Weapon

    The murder weapon, a Jaguar K11 hunting knife, was found left open at the crime scene on top of a suitcase, next to the door, with no traces of fingerprints or blood on it, the murder weapon had been wiped clean by Sid.

    Sid’s Confession

    According to the Voluntary Disclosure Sheet presented in the indictment (you can view it here) Sid’s account of the events according to the police report are full of contradictions:

    1. He didn’t know what happened- he wasn’t there
    2. He discovered the body about 10:30 AM
    3. He and the deceased had taken Tuinal that night and he went to sleep about 1 AM. Nancy was sitting on the edge of the bed flicking a knife, they had an argument
    4. He claimed when he woke up in the morning the bed was wet with blood. He thought he had “pee’d” himself. He found the deceased in the bathroom sitting on the floor (same position as found by police). She was breathing. She had a stab wound in her stomach.
    5. He left her. He went out to get her methadone- at Lafayette Street. When He returned she was full of blood. He washed off the knife and he attempted to wash her off. When he could not wash the blood off her he called for help.
    6. He did not know what happened to her. He had slept the entire night through. He denied stabbing her (various times).
    7. He said he did not remember what their argument was about and that she hit him and he hit her on top of the head and knocked her onto the bed- but he did not knock her unconscious.
    8. He said “I stabbed her but I didn’t mean to kill her, I loved her but she treated me like shit.”
    9. The deceased must have fallen on the knife and that she must have dragged herself into the bathroom.
    10. When asked why he left the deceased in the bathroom, wounded, and went out to get his methadone he said “oh! I am a dog” or similar words.

    Sid was arrested by Sgt. Thomas Kilroy, of the Third Homicide Zone, on October 12, 1978, and charged with the murder of Nancy Spungen at approximately 5:30 pm.

    Multiple Theories

    When it comes to the murder of Nancy Spungen, multiple theories and many suspects come into play, and it is highly doubtful that after 43 years we will ever know the exact events that took place in the early morning hours of Thursday, October 12, 1978. Sid was the easiest target and the smoking gun, he found the body, made multiple contradictory stories to the NYPD, openly physically abused Nancy in public and was a known heroin addict, he had a complete sh*t reputation. The case was closed after he died of a heroin overdose on February 2, 1979, less than four months after Nancy’s murder.

    With the popularity and interest of this case, it highly surprises me that it has never been reexamined in the past or to this day. I suppose it’s a classic case of the “less dead” for the NYPD- two notorious junkies, one ends up murdered, the other overdoses while out on bail, who really cares, right? Why waste police money and resources looking into a case such as this? Alan Parker maintains in Who Killed Nancy? that had there been more evidence and more time to look into the case there most likely would have been a different outcome in court as the six people who remain unknown in the police report would have been questioned, providing more possibility of suspects in Nancy’s murder.

    There are some very valid and probable scenarios that very well could have occurred on October 12, 1978:

    Sid Was The Murderer

    Although so many people have come forward in Sid’s defense stating that there is no possibility that after doing as many Tuinal as he did that Sid would have been able to wake up, stab Nancy, and clean off the murder weapon.

    However, in the timeline of events that happened on October 12, 1978, we know that Sid did in fact wake up and around 5 am and got into a physical altercation with Kenneth West the Chelsea Hotel bellboy- he clearly had full capability of being strong enough to physically assault someone and did even if he was stoned from the Tuinal.

    His statement to the police was full of contradictions- he did it, he didn’t do it, he didn’t know what happened, and I would believe that it would be a valid assumption that if he did stab Nancy, on purpose or accident, he probably would have not remembered doing it, therefore causing him to continuously change his account of the events.

    One of the strangest things to me about this case is, why did Sid both wash the blood off of the knife and Nancy’s body? Why did he tamper with the crime scene? Also, why did he not call for help upon finding Nancy still alive instead he went to the methadone clinic and waited to call until he got back?

    Sid was known to have violent outbursts for no reason- many people who knew Sid have come forward and told stories of being around him and trouble always starting due to his temper. Sid and Nancy were also notorious for having violent physical fights, often leaving Nancy battered, bloody and bruised. Could October 12, 1978 be a culmination of the tension brewing between the couple along with their codependency on each other and heavy drug abuse be the catalyst that caused Sid to ultimately stab Nancy? It seems pretty likely.

    Another thing that also stands out to me is the fact that there was no money found in the room upon investigation by the NYPD, as a matter of fact the NYPD didn’t even know that Sid and Nancy had any money in the room until witnesses came forward and mentioned the large amounts of cash Nancy had been flaunting. When Sid woke up, prior to finding Nancy, one of the things he noticed was that the drawer they kept their money in was completely cleaned out. The only cash on the scene was what Sid had on him and it was described as pocket money.

    Although the case was never investigated further, Sid was the smoking gun, he had guilty written all over his face when the police arrived on the scene. It has been said that had there been more time and more digging done into the case there could have been a different outcome once the case got to court. Due to the fact that the murder weapon had been wiped clean and there were no fingerprints on it, Sid could have been convicted by proof beyond a reasonable doubt, however, Sid died while out on bail for an unrelated charge on February 2, 1979 less than four month’s after Nancy’s murder and the case was closed and never brought to trial- Sid, ultimately being the only person responsible for the murder of Nancy Spungen.

    Sid, arrested on October 12, 1978, as the prime suspect

    Michael Morra aka “Rockets Redglare” Was The Murderer

    Michael Morra aka “Rockets Redglare”

    Michael Morra, stage name “Rockets Redglare,” an actor and stand-up comedian, was a New York City native and hanger on to Sid. In the documentary Who Killed Nancy? Interviewees state that Rockets liked the notoriety of hanging around Sid, and even maintain that Sid was Rockets meal ticket.

    In the early morning hours of October 12, 1978, around 2:30 am, Rockets stated he received a frantic phone call at his residence in Queens, from Nancy begging him to come to the Hotel Chelsea and to bring with him Dilaudids as well as new hypodermic needles. Around 3:15 am, Rockets arrived at the Chelsea empty-handed, unable to obtain the pills or the needles. Rockets hung around Sid and Nancy’s room until around 5 am, it was during that time he and Nancy discussed Rockets becoming Sid’s bodyguard and scoring Dilaudid. According to Rockets, Nancy was very agitated she had been unable to score, Nancy also proceeded to tell Rockets she had $1,400 to spend on drugs and would pay him twice the price should he be able to come up with what she was looking for, large bills of cash falling from her purse spilling onto the floor.

    According to Rockets Sid kept getting up and going to the door any time he heard a noise while he was there, however, this contradicts the multiple accounts that Sid was nearly comatose-there is also no account of the “party” going on in the room from 12 am to 4 am. Rockets mentions that between 3:30 am and 4:45 am the phone rang multiple times, however, Nancy only picked up the phone once in which Nancy had a “brief conversation” with the caller (no mention as to what it pertained to) and that no outgoing calls were made by either Sid or Nancy during the duration of his visit. It is important to note that this statement contradicts Neon Leon’s timeline of events, in which he stated that Nancy had called his room at 4 am looking for a joint and informing him that Sid was completely blacked out from the Tuinals he ingested. It was during this time according to Neon Leon’s timeline in which he heard another voice in the room, not that of Sid but an unidentified male, which would have been Rockets if indeed the timelines do add up.

    Rockets maintained that he left room 100 shortly before 5 am, Other accounts from unnamed persons state they’d seen Rockets leaving the Chelsea around 4 am, stopped at the front desk in the hotel lobby to make a phone call and sighted a person named “Steven C,” Sid and Nancy’s regular “Quaalude and Tuinal dealer” turning the corner and entering the elevator. It is said in Sad Vacation Steve Cincotti, also known as Steve C, that “we’ve been unable to find anybody who ever met or knew this character.”

    Bearing in mind Rockets was seen leaving between 4 and 5 am, per the Chief Medical Examiner’s office Nancy was most likely stabbed between the hours of 6 and 7 am and died between the hours of 8 am and 10 am. Based on this information, if true, Rockets would in fact not be the killer. However, the time of the stabbing and death were merely speculated due to the body’s deteriorated condition, in which track marks, contusions and bruises were found on the body, as well as the drugs within Nancy’s system.

    Something that I found rather interesting while watching a YouTube video researching the murder of Nancy Spungen, the commentator speaks of a Reddit thread, posted four years ago, in which a Redditor states:

    “It was definitely Rockets Redglare. I used to live in the East Village and knew people who had known him. He evidently bragged about it and wore it like a badge of honor, he was responsible for killing the icons of punk.”

    “Rockets Redglare and some shady character who had been hanging around decided to steal Sid and Nancy’s cash when they nodded off. Sid was passed out on a massive dose of barbiturates, Nancy nodded off on dope. Rockets Redglare and his accomplice broke into the room (some accounts say Nancy frequently left the door unlocked due to people coming and going constantly), tried to take the money, but were caught in the act by Nancy who attacked them, and was stabbed as a result.”

    Within the thread, another Redditor states:

    “I have heard that it’s an open secret in New York that Redglare and an accomplice went to their room to steal drugs and whenever Nancy woke up in a drugged out haze and saw them trying to steal their stash, she freaked out and the two of them stabbed her to death and got out of dodge.”

    Whether the accounts of the above-mentioned Reddits are true or not, many people who had known rockets throughout the years openly admitted to killing Nancy (never to authorities or the press) until his death in 2001. It has been said that Rockets was heard admitting that he killed Nancy to fellow drinkers at CBGBs shortly after the murder. However, it is also widely known that Rockets loved attention and would make even the smallest tale larger than life, embellishing many of the details and one could say, he was, most likely, a pretty big bullsh*tter.

    The “Michael” Theory

    Steve Dior’s rendering of “Michael” from Who Killed Nancy? Documentary

    In the very last few minutes of the documentary, Who Killed Nancy? There are several reports of a known drug dealer named “Michael” who lived on the sixth floor of the Hotel Chelsea, who is highly suspected of being the one who stabbed Nancy.

    Apparently, as the story goes, a group of actors who all lived on the sixth floor would sometimes party with Sid and Nancy, “Michael” being a part of this group.

    Steve Dior recalls having a conversation with Sid while having a meal before a gig after seeing Nancy sitting with some “young blonde haired kid” who seemingly appeared to be another guy that appeared on the scene all of a sudden.

    Steve Dior: “I said, “Sid, who is that?” Sid said, “oh, that’s Michael, Nancy really likes him.””

    So, this is where it starts getting weird…

    In the documentary, Who Killed Nancy? Actor Ned Van Zandt is interviewed and refers to “Michael” as “M” his reasoning being that he wasn’t sure if he was still out there or what had happened to him and I suppose was trying to keep some kind of anonymity in regard to this “Michael” character.

    He goes on to state: “One particular evening I was hanging out with M, and he said I have to go down to Sid and Nancy’s room. I went in the room with M, and he did his business with them and I remember that Nancy had a lot of money and I do remember Sid was very f*cked up, and I was told it was Tuinal, you know which is like a heavy barbiturate, and so we left and M split.”

    The documentary starts meshing Ned Van Zandt and Kathleen Wirt’s interviews together as if one is finishing the other’s sentences, and it gets a little choppy.

    Kathleen Wirt: “Michael had come upstairs after this had happened (the murder) sometime early in the morning and when he reported that Sid had killed Nancy no one believed him and he had shown up with a wad of cash tied up with Nancy’s purple hair tie.”

    Ned Van Zandt: “Big smile on his face and I had never seen him smiling before, and he said guess what, “Nancy’s in a body bag, Sid killed her.””

    After watching the documentary “Sad Vacation” I believe that yes, “Michael” was a drug dealer at the Hotel Chelsea, but was misnamed and is actually a man known only as “Skip Wayne,” Neon Leon’s “manager.”

    Steve Dior showed his sketch of “Michael” in Who Killed Nancy? And stated that he always had a strong inclination that this was the man responsible for Nancy’s murder.

    The “Michael” theory also comes up in the documentary Sad Vacation, and it gets very interesting…

    Actor Ned Van Zandt is interviewed for Sad Vacation and states that “M” or “Michael” is actually Michael Morra aka Rockets Redglare.

    Ned’s Interview-Sad Vacation:

    “I met this guy named Michael Morra who was kind of the in-house dealer up at the Chelsea. I was with Michael, and we went to Sid and Nancy’s room, and I guess it must’ve been around 3:00 or 4:00 am, and Sid was passed out on his bed on Tuinals, dead to the world, and Michael did a transaction with Nancy. They owed Michael money. Nancy and Michael were arguing, and I was uncomfortable, and the two of us left. Michael left with me, and I’d asked him where’d they get that money, and he said that they had gotten a record deal.”

    Ned’s Interview-Sad Vacation account of October 12, 1978:

    “Someone knocked on the door and said, “come to the lobby, Nancy’s dead, Sid killed her.” And we raced down to the lobby and Nancy was in a body bag. Sid came out in handcuffs, and we’re saying, “Sid, Sid, what happened?” And he said, “I don’t know, I don’t know.””

    “I went back to my room alone and shortly after Michael, aka Rockets Redglare, at the time, he wasn’t called Rockets as far as, I didn’t know him as Rockets he was Michael. He knocked on my door, and he had a lot of money tied with a purple rubber hairband, which I’d seen when Nancy had the money. It was a wad of money with a purple, rubber hairband.”

    “After that happened, Michael had disappeared. I think the police were looking for him to question him. My big fear was that we were all gonna get in trouble ’cause we’re all doing drugs, we’re all partying, but this was 1978, New York, you know. Cops didn’t care, they had their man.”

    “You know, I have my suspicions, and maybe I have formulated them. I mean, the money was a big deal, but I just kinda denied, you know, okay. That’s Nancy’s money, it was getting creepy, you know. I was wrestling with my conscience and all that, but it wasn’t until Michael came after me, you know for whatever reason, unrequited love, I mean he had this thing for me, and which I now admit I was using because he was the guy with the party favors, but when he came after me and tried to kill me, then I knew he was capable of it.”

    Top-Steve Dior’s Sketch Of “Michael” (Who Killed Nancy?) Bottom-Sketch Of “Skip Wayne” (Sad Vacation)

    In Who Killed Nancy? It seems pretty clear that everyone knew who Rockets Redglare was, I highly doubt that Steve Dior would have made this sketch from memory if he thought this “Michael” character was Rockets. For the record, Who Killed Nancy? Was released in 2009 and Sad Vacation was released in 2016- Steve Dior was not even interviewed in Sad Vacation. I truly believe that the sketch is actually Skip Wayne and was misnamed as “Michael.”

    I was unable to find any photos of Skip Wayne, and the ones that were showcased of Skip and Neon Leon in Sad Vacation were either very blurry or only showed the bare minimum of a side profile, and the person was essentially unidentifiable.

    Victor Colicchio, resident of the Hotel Chelsea, states in Who Killed Nancy? That around midnight, he and another hotel resident named Kelly Garrett go down to room 100 to deliver Sid and Nancy Tuinal and Dilaudid pills. Nancy called again around 4 am and 5 am, in which Victor and Kelly go back down to the room and an unknown man is present. Victor was unsure of what the man’s name was, he said it was something along the lines of “Spidy,” “Skippy,” “Stevie,” some kind of name with starting with an S and ending in E-E. Victor also accounts that during his visit to the room, Sid was passed out completely.

    Victor’s Interview Sad Vacation-account of October 12, 1978:

    “There was a pandemonium. Somebody in the hotel asked me if I’d heard what happened, and I said, “No,” and they said that Sid killed Nancy. I go, “Really, well he was passed out when I saw him” and then a detective asked me to stand over. He wanted to talk to me and I just beat it out of there. As a matter of fact, the thing I remember most about the next day is that I left Manhattan and went up to The Bronx to stay with my old, tough, Italian Guido friends because I was worried that the guy I saw in that room knew I saw him.”

    Neon Leon-Sad Vacation account of “Skip Wayne”

    “Skip Wayne, is that his real name, I don’t know. He claimed to be my manager. Skip Wayne wanted to be my manager. Skip Wayne was like a roadie hanger-out guy so that he could sell his drugs. Well, Skip is short for Skippy. I mean, it doesn’t prove that it’s the same person. You know, and I’m not saying it, but Skip, Skippy, you know. It’s like hmmmm, could be.”

    In Sad Vacation, Victor is shown a photo of Skip Wayne and confirms that yes, that “looks like the guy” that he saw in the room with Sid and Nancy the night Nancy was murdered.

    The names of six individuals NYPD wanted to question were written in the initial police report, however have been since blacked out. No one knows the names of the individuals nor were any individuals besides Sid taken into custody for questioning.

    Whilst researching this case I listened to the Sid & Nancy episode of the No Dogs In Space Podcast by Marcus Parks and Carolina Hidalgo of the Last Podcast Network, and Marcus Parks raised some very valid points about the state of New York City and the NYPD in 1978.

    In the 1970’s New York City was near bankrupt and cut budgets from many areas including the NYPD which was working way below the capacity needed to properly investigate every murder. Marcus states that in the 1970’s New York averaged about 2,000 murders every year, in perspective he compared New York’s murder cases from the 1970’s to 2019 in which 318 murders took place for the whole year. The murder of Nancy Spungen was round murder 1,400 of 1978 (Sid & Nancy, No Dogs In Space 2020).

    Nancy Killed Herself

    “I’ll never make it to 21. I’ll go out in a blaze of glory.” -Nancy Spungen

    There is a very strong possibility that Nancy could have either committed suicide or orchestrated her own death. As we know, Nancy had a lot of mental and emotional problems stemming back from as early as infancy due to her traumatic birth as well as various hospital stays and multiple suicide attempts under her belt by the time she was killed.

    Considering the fact that there were no hesitation wounds and only a single stab wound to the abdomen it took her hours to bleed out and die, she could have easily gotten help… but she made her way towards the bathroom where she ultimately bled out and died.

    Deborah recalls a rather disturbing statement Nancy made while visiting her family after her and Sid arrived in the US, out of nowhere on a car ride back to the hotel Sid and Nancy were staying at in Philadelphia Nancy states: “I’m going to die very soon. Before my twenty-first birthday. I won’t live to be twenty-one. I’m never gonna be old. I don’t ever wanna be ugly and old. I’m an old lay now anyhow. I’m eighty. There’s nothing left. I’ve already lived a whole lifetime. I’m going out. In a blaze of glory And I Don’t Want to Live This Life: A Mother’s Story of Her Daughter’s Murder, Deborah Spungen, 1983).”

    In Deborah Spungen’s Memoir And I Don’t Want To Live This Life, she states: “It is my belief that she engineered her death. She wanted to die, had for years. She was ready to die. So she made Sid the instrument. She egged him into stabbing her by convincing him it was the only possible way he could prove his love for her. Certainly, she was capable of manipulating him. Certainly, he was capable of being manipulated. Sid was the patsy, perhaps unwittingly, perhaps not(And I Don’t Want to Live This Life: A Mother’s Story of Her Daughter’s Murder, Deborah Spungen, 1983.).”

    A Blaze Of Glory

    To be completely honest with you, after researching into this case, I can see why the NYPD was so quick to close it. There are so many contradictory statements made, timelines that don’t quite add up as well as the fact that Sid and Nancy were living a dangerous lifestyle- this type of scenario was very common to the NYPD. The only thing that sets it aside from other cases is that it was two very, semi high profile people that it happened to.

    Truthfully, in researching this case more questions come up than actual answers. It is extremely messy and convoluted, timelines do not add up, and you really can’t put together anything even close to a cohesive account of events. This October will mark the 44th anniversary of the murder and I am positive at this point the case will never be reexamined. Its unfortunate that we will never know exactly what happened in the early morning hours of October 12, 1978, all we will ever really have are different witnesses and accounts of the events that took place other than the small amounts of information found on the internet from the police report.

    Personally, after doing this deep dive, I feel as though, most likely Nancy orchestrated her own death or Sid stabbed her in a haze on accident or perhaps with intent.

    Many people idolize Sid and Nancy as the anti Romeo and Juliet and think of their relationship as romantic- which is anything but the truth. However, the two have lived on as a symbol of punk rock decades after their deaths. In the end Nancy got what she craved, a “Rockstar” boyfriend, a small taste of fame and notoriety, lived the fast life, and went out in a blaze of glory like she had always told people she would. Her legacy, whether good or bad has lived on, I don’t think she would want for much more than to be remembered.

    Media

    Sid Vicious & Nancy Spungen Bed Interview (1978)

    Efrom Allen’s Underground TV show- Sid Vicious, Nancy Spungen, Stiv Bators (of The Dead Boys) and Cynthia (of The B Girls) *Interview starts at 1:40*

    Deborah Spungen – Talks about Daughter Nancy Spungen, Sid, Book & more – Radio Broadcast 23/11/1983

    1970s Punk Playlist on Spotify

    Nancy Spungen Photos Pinterest Board

    Resources

    And I Don’t Want to Live This Life: A Mother’s Story of Her Daughter’s Murder, Deborah Spungen, 1983.

    Cop Treated Sid Vicious Like A Regular Punk, thesmokinggun.com, August 7, 2014

    Please Kill Me: The Uncensored Oral History of Punk, Legs McNeil & Gillian McCain August 9, 2016.

    Sad Vacation Documentary, Danny Garcia, 2016.

    Sid & Nancy, No Dogs In Space Podcast, Marcus Parks and Carolina Hidalgo, Last Podcast Network, April 4, 2020.

    Sid Vicious’s Biggest Hit, thesmokinggun.com, October 12, 1998

    What You Should Know About Umbilical Cord Prolapse, WebMD

    Who Killed Nancy? Documentary, Alan G. Parker, 2009.

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    Follow me on Writing Community

  • “That’s Hot.” Makeup Products I Used In My 20s

    “That’s Hot.” Makeup Products I Used In My 20s
    January 2010

    Please, Jesus, help me- this post is going to be way worse than my Makeup Products I Used In High School post.

    Please believe me, I am laughing as hard as you are right now, and you have every right to laugh.

    MTV’s hit show Jersey Shore had premiered on December 3, 2009, I had just turned 21 on December 14, 2009, and let me tell you worlds were rocked, wigs were snatched, and everyone wanted to be a Guido or Guidette, if you don’t believe me, go check your own photos from this time period.

    I had to go perusing some old friend’s Facebook pages to even try and find a photo of me during this time frame, I am not sure where they are all at, maybe the attic, but after just having major surgery I will not be going up there to try and retrieve photos for this satirical yet historically accurate post.

    So let’s take a look back at the makeup we used in late 2009 and 2010 to achieve the ultimate orange bronze glow, glitter on our body, sparkly eye look, heavy on the liner, we have all come to loathe!

    Face:

    I do not have a vivid memory as to what foundation I actually used back in these days, as I actually do not think I used one at all. I did, however, use a ton of concealer, pressed, powder, bronzer and blush.

    I vividly remember using Hard Candy Glamoflauge Heavy Duty Concealer, this was a brand you could find at Walmart stores, however, I believe, I heard once that Hard Candy was an actual high-end brand sold at makeup counters in large department stores at one point. If anyone can confirm or deny this, please let me know in the comments!

    Hard Candy Glamoflauge Heavy Duty Concealer

    Of course this concealer was applied with the amazing triangle beauty sponges, DRY (internally screaming).

    WHY.

    After covering my under eye circles, cystic acne scars, and whatever imperfections I needed to address, I would give myself a generous powdering with my favorite go to pressed powder L’Oreal True Match Super Blendable Powder (with the sponge applicator provided in the packaging of course).

    L’Oreal True Match Super Blendable Powder

    The next product I would apply is a true gem to the makeup community and holds a special place in my heart forever, Too Faced Pink Leopard Blushing Bronzer…

    Too Faced Pink Leopard Blushing Bronzer

    At this point I had finally invested in some makeup brushes, my firsts included ecoTOOLS with bamboo handles- I actually believe I may still have one or two of these brushes still lying around, they are great quality and last forever.

    I would use the largest facial brush and apply my bronzer oh so generously all over my face, with no regard for any contouring, my only goal was to achieve that beautiful orange, bronzed glow.

    ecoTOOLS: My First Makeup Brush Set

    My second bronzer of choice was Physicians Formula Shimmer Strips Custom Bronzer + Blush + Eye Shadow, and who doesn’t love a multipurpose product?!

    Physician’s Formula Shimmer Strips Bronzer + Blush + Eye Shadow

    The next product that you could always find on my makeup table or in my touch up bag was Too Faced Candlelight Glow powder. Now, to be 100% truthful with you, I had no idea what to do with this or how it worked or what it did. I will tell you that I did apply this very generously all over my face for touch ups.

    Too Faced Candlelight Glow

    My favorite blush was the Hard Candy Baked Blush in Living Doll, again found at Walmart. This was definitely one of those baked blushes that you had to scrape the top layer off of to get any pigment, but this bad boy lasted forever and packed a punch. Again, another product on the glittery shimmery side, but it was all about the shimmer back in 2009 (at least for me).

    Hard Candy Baked Blush-Living Doll,

    Eyes:

    Too Faced’s Natural Eye Palette was the first high end, name brand eyeshadow palette I had ever owned, back in 2009. My bestie (hey Laida!) found these at Sephora, and we thought they were the sh*t, and we rocked the sh*t out of them. I can guarantee you that we both hit pan on “Silk Teddy” and “Nude Beach” very quickly in these palettes, it was definitely our go to all over eye color, I’m talking lid to brow bone coverage.

    Too Faced’s Natural Eye Palette

    I really loved these palettes so much, they came in a little cardboard box back in the day and there was a little pull-out drawer under the shadows that came with cards showing you where to apply certain colors to create the perfect eye look. I can tell you I certainly did not take the advice on these cards, but it is definitely a nice little touch on Too Faced’s behalf to at least try and teach its customers how to achieve a proper eye look.

    Another personal favorite eyeshadow palette frequently used was the Physicians Formula Shimmer Strips custom Eye Enhancing Shadow & Liner. This stuff was the best, you got lots of different shades, shimmer and sparkle of course, and you could purchase it at Walmart for probably less than $10. Again, another multipurpose product, that was long-lasting, and a great little drugstore gem.

    Physicians Formula Shimmer Strips custom Eye Enhancing Shadow & Liner

    The eyeliner of choice was forever CoverGirl Perfect Point Plus Eye Pencil in Charcoal, on the top, bottom, and waterline of the eye, always.

    Mascara of choice, the ever fabulous L’Oréal Voluminous Original Mascara in Carbon Black. I still absolutely love this mascara to this day and I always have one nice and handy in my makeup bag.

    L’Oréal Voluminous Original Mascara-Carbon Black

    Lips:

    Lips were always kept cheap and simple, a shimmery gloss or a Wet n Wild $0.99 lipstick from Walmart; the lipstick game started to step up once we discovered Summer Love creamy lipstick by NYX.

    Body:

    I already know its bad and the risk factors and all that jazz, but the tanning salon was where it was at. How else was one supposed to acheieve an orange, bronzy, burnt glow with infinate freckles?

    I decided to upgrade to a bronzing bed after using the regular tanning beds after a few years when I wasn’t getting enough bronze. My tanning lotion of choic was and always will be Australian Gold Cheeky Brown Accelerator Plus Bronzer indoor tanning lotion. I am imaginining the smell right now and it brings back memories of high school and tanning daily to get a nice base for vacation or prom.

    Australian Gold Cheeky Brown Accelerator Plus Bronzer

    Now, on top of our burnt, tan, orange, freckly skin we would apply Victoria’s Secret Bombshell Body Shimmer all over our chest to accentuate our cleavage, probably bought at the Victoria’s Secret Outlet Store or during the annual sale, this product was a must when going out to your favorite dive bar for the night.

    To finish off the body, sprits on some Ed Hardy perfume for good measure.

    I can’t even think about the fragrance of these ever again…

    Hair:

    So the last, and absolute final step to achieve the 2009/2010 going out is to put that straightener on the highest setting, never spray your hair with a heat protectant and just go to town straightining that mane.

    Next youre going to tease the sh*t out of your crown area (which I had mine cut specifically for extra lift), spray with some Big Sexy Hair and then back comb it into a nice rats nest then go ahead and smooth out the top of your crown. Add any little bobby pins, head bands, or hair accessories- if you can’t acheieve full excellence on your own you may want to invest in a bumpit.

    I hope you enjoyed this nostalgic post on the style trends and make up of the wonderful mid 2000’s, a time I like to fondly look back on and call “The Jersey Shore Days.”

    Did you rock any of these looks? Were you as cool as me? Leave me a comment letting me know! I love to reading your comments on my nostalgia posts! Lets reminisce together!

    I would like to dedicate this post to my bestie Laida, who lived these days with me and shared many free drinks at a really sh*tty local dive bar- love you pumpkin!

  • A Feminine Healthcare Journey-Resolution.

    A Feminine Healthcare Journey-Resolution.

    Yesterday, Tuesday, March 29, 2022, I finally had my long awaited surgery- A laparoscopy with incisions to remove my uterine cysts as well as taking a look inside my uterus to see what else was going on causing the pain and bleeding for so long.

    In my last post, I mentioned prior to the surgery a blood test referred to CA125 test the standard range is <49 U/mL, my level was a reading of 102 U/mL. I messaged my doctor Monday morning to get some further answers regarding my high reading. My doctor got back with me right away and told me and explained that a level of 200 or 300 would be more related to ovarian cancer and my level of 102 was a high indication of the suspected endometriosis, which helped me breathe a little better, thankfully!

    My procedure went well-my husband was told by my physician that I am in fact riddled with severe endometriosis, and lot was cut and burned out. My Fallopian tubes are very inflamed and there is an extremely low chance, well no chance, of ever having children. Both cysts were drained and sealed, so they will be unable to refill with debris or fluid. The left ovarian cyst was actually fused to my bladder, in which the doctor had to reconstruct part of my bladder wall due to the damage caused by the cyst.

    I will be starting hormone blockers for six months which will be injections, 1 shot per month, so the endometriosis will subside from growing.

    Today, I am very sore, in my abdomen as well as my throat as I was intubated, but other than that I am doing well.

    I hope that in the future I have nothing but great updates to provide in my journey as I am now, hopefully, on the mend.

    I do have a little gallery with two photos of my incisions, so please proceed with caution if you have a weak stomach for this type of imagery!

    It’s honestly, not bad I promise!

    Proceed With Caution

    Thank you for your support, your stories of your own experiences, and I would also like to give a big fat shout out to my family, friends, and of course my husband, Sean, who have helped me though this journey. Without any of you, I don’t know where I would be. I love you all dearly.

    Dedicated to:

    Mommy

    Aunt Shell

    Chelsea

    Laida

    Chloe

    Keri

    Kellee

    Aunt Ellen

    Gramma

    Meghan

    Brenda

    And of course my husband Sean

    If you would like to have a cheeky little read on how we got to this point, please refer back to parts one and two of my Feminine Health Care Journey, linked below:

    Please Help Me A Feminine Health Care Journey

    Please Help Me A Feminine Health Care Journey Update

  • Our Wedding Details-Small Touches To Personalize Our Special Day

    Our Wedding Details-Small Touches To Personalize Our Special Day

    You can go through all the wedding planning sites, magazines, and Pinterest boards you want, however, your special day is in fact-your special day.

    When planning our wedding, things just fell into place naturally as we thought of them, and it truly made our day so special. There was a lot of meaning behind many of the things that we chose to do, and I would like to share with you those private details in hopes to inspire the newly engaged and or future brides to make sure that their wedding has special meaning to them.

    It’s easy to get caught up in the perfect details, but always remember the day is about you and your soon-to-be forever partner, so make sure that you work as a team and make sure to pay homage to those little details that make the two of you and your relationship so special.

    The Date

    To me, my grandparents, AKA Nana and Papa, had the most beautiful love story of all. Married October 17, 1959, they managed to remain married through sickness and in health 53 years before my grandfather’s death in 2013.

    I have always loved fall weddings and wanted to be married on the same date, however, in order to make that date work for us, we would have had to wait until 2025 (Friday) or 2026 (Saturday), so we opted for the closest date possible, Friday, October 15, 2021.

    Bridal Gown

    I have admired my grandmother’s wedding dress ever since I was a little girl. My grandparents had a beautiful oil painting made capturing them on the day of their wedding, and I knew that I wanted to have a dress with long lacy sleeves similar to my grandmother’s.

    I found my dress at David’s Bridal, it was the first and only dress I tried on and bought it on a whim when I was shopping for dresses with my bridesmaid. I had found the dress pictured below on the David’s Bridal website (unfortunately, I believe, this dress is discontinued) and luckily the store had one on the floor I could try on, and I fell in love. I knew this was the dress for me, it was everything I was looking for and was a modern version of my grandmother’s dress, which I loved.

    Bridal Tip: I remember my matron of honor telling me prior to trying on dresses to bear in mind that the store usually only has the largest size of the dress you are looking for, so do not be worried when you see what size they bring out, generally it is not going to be your size. The store associates will pull the dress back and clip it, so it fits your figure, then take your measurements and order you the proper dress size.

    Oleg Cassini Shimmer Lace Long Sleeve Bridal Gown in Champagne
    Papa & Nana 1959 – Amanda & Sean 2021 Adrienne & Amber Photography

    The Venue

    The selling point of our reception venue was the gorgeous stars and constellations on the ceiling of the ballroom. One of the things Sean and I bonded over in the beginning was zodiac signs; I am a Sagittarius and Sean is a Capricorn.

    In the early days of getting to know each other, I was going through a breakup or two, and I had this nagging urge to go have my tarot cards read over Thanksgiving weekend in 2019. The woman reading my cards told me, “I see you with a Capricorn, you are going to meet him at work, and you will be together for a very long time.”

    The only Capricorn I knew of and pretty much the only male in a female dominated office was Sean. At that point, we weren’t even that friendly-the only reason I knew he was a Capricorn was due to the fact I overheard him talking about it one to another coworker while fixing their computer.

    Surely, I never thought Sean and I would end up together, let alone married one day! Once we started talking, I told him what the card reader had told me and his response was “I’m into that” and the rest is history.

    We also loved the concept of dancing under the stars to what became to be “our song” Midnight, The Stars And You.

    Ceremony Music

    When I tell you I worked on the music for over a year and a half, I am not joking.

    Of course, we had a DJ, however, I did want to have as much control over the music as possible for our ceremony as well as during cocktail hour and dinner.

    At first, I started looking into different wedding ceremony playlists on Spotify, however I just kept coming up with the same cheesy quartet songs like “A Thousand Years” and I knew I wanted music that was more personal to Sean and I and gave deeper meaning to our ceremony.

    I came across a group, Vitamin String Quartet, who did amazing instrumental music to both classic and modern songs (they even had a version of W.A.P). I started really digging into their catalog as well as other string quartet groups such as Midnite String Quartet and Tribute String Quartet and found the most perfect and beautiful soundtrack to our wedding ceremony.

    Processional- These Days by Nico covered by Vitamin String Quartet

    Flower Girl Entrance-Here Comes The Sun by The Beetles covered by Midnite String Quartet

    Bridal Entrance-Stand By Me by Ben E. King covered by Tribute String Quartet

    Recessional- Closing Time by Semisonic, covered by Vitamin String Quartet

    Each song chosen had a very deep and personal meaning to me:

    These Days by Nico released in 1967, most notably known for being in the 2001 Wes Anderson film The Royal Tenenbaums, first came into my plane of existence at a funeral. My cousin, David, father to my dear cousin Chloe, passed away from colon cancer in 2020, he was an avid movie and music buff and during his celebration of life service my cousin put together a beautiful playlist of songs and These Days was on the list. It is easily one of the most beautiful songs of the 1960s and is widely overlooked.

    Being an avid Velvet Underground fan I was surprised I had never actually sat down and listened to the lyrics quite like I did at the funeral and the song perfectly sums up life and or the end of one’s life-

    “I’ve been out walking
    I don’t do too much talking
    These days, these days
    These days I seem to think a lot
    About the things that I forgot to do
    And all the times I had the chance to”

    I come to tears every time I hear this song, not only for the loss in my family, but for the beautiful piece it truly is.

    Here comes the Sun by The Beetles, written by George Harrison and was actually inspired by the long harsh winters endured in England, which he felt went on forever. However, the song has a different meaning for me…

    I lost my only sibling, my brother, Jacob, almost nine years ago- I knew I would never become an aunt to any beautiful nieces or nephews biologically, and I swore I never thought I would get married. God had different plans, and I met Sean when his niece was fourteen months old. She is three years old now and will never remember a time in her life when “Aunt Amanda” was not around. She has single-handedly become one of the brightest rays of sunshine in my life, and I am so blessed to be her aunt.

    The cover of the song is so beautifully performed and the lyrics, well they speak for themselves…

    Little darling
    It seems like years since it’s been clear
    Here comes the sun
    Here comes the sun,
    And I say, It’s all right
    Here comes the sun
    Here comes the sun
    It’s all right

    I mean, what can be said about Ben E. King’s stand by me? It is an absolutely beautiful song that encompasses every aspect of remaining by your loved one’s side through the dark times and knowing that everything will be okay as long as you stand by me…

    “When the night has come
    And the land is dark
    And the moon is the only light we’ll see
    No, I won’t be afraid
    Oh, I won’t be afraid
    Just as long as you stand
    Stand by me”

    Closing Time by Semisonic is the ultimate 90s classic and of course can be heard as the last song playing at any bar on the planet during last call.

    As popular in the bar scene as it may be, this song, of course, has a bit of a deeper meaning in my world. As I mentioned before I lost my brother almost nine years ago- Semisonic’s Closing Time was on the NOW THAT’S WHAT I CALL MUSIC VOLUME 2 CD which I proudly owned (released in 1998) and somehow my brother got his paws on it and played this song over, and over and over and over and over again, when he got his first CD player, thus causing an everlasting imprint on my brain having to turn it off at 3am when he fell asleep to it.

    Not only was it the perfect song to close out our wedding ceremony, but I felt it was only right to use the song in a very important ode to my brother and acknowledging that even though he wasn’t physically there with us on our wedding day, he was there with me in my heart…

    Closing time, time for you to go out
    To the places you will be from
    Closing time, this room won’t be open
    Till your brothers or your sisters come

    So, gather up your jackets, move it to the exits
    I hope you have found a friend
    Closing time, every new beginning
    Comes from some other beginning’s end

    Dinner/Cocktail Hour Playlist

    I had a very specific vision as to what would be great music for cocktail hour and dinner. I wanted to make sure the music was of course meaningful but also upbeat and friendly for all generations.

    I always loved listening to oldies with my grandparents in the car after lunch on Sundays after church, always begging my Papa to take us for a drive just to get a few extra quality time minutes in with my grandparents.

    I opted for an “oldies” playlist, including lots of Motown (we are from the Motor City, after all) doo wop and hits from the 50s and 60s.

    You can check out my dinner play list here.

    Our First Dance

    The song we chose for our first dance as a married couple is Midnight; The Stars And You by Al Bowlly, most notably known as the song that plays at the end of the film The Shining-one of our favorite horror movies.

    Midnight; The Stars and You is also the last song that plays at the end of every Last Podcast On The Left episode (one of my favorite podcasts), which is where the idea of using that song as our first dance actually came to fruition.

    I was listening to LPOTL one day at work (as one does) and I sent the song to Sean and asked him what he thought-he immediately replied “YES” and from then on it was set in stone that it was “our song.”

    “Midnight with the stars and you
    Midnight and a rendezvous
    Your eyes held a message tender
    Saying “I surrender all my love to you

    Midnight brought us sweet romance
    I know all my whole life through
    I’ll be remembering you, whatever else I do
    Midnight with the stars and you”

    Father Daughter & Mother Son Dance

    We opted to do a combination father daughter and mother son dance, the song that we chose is Heavenly Day by Patty Griffin.

    I fell in love with this song when I first heard it in the Netflix series The Haunting of Hill House. In the series, Heavenly Day was the song the main character Nell dances to with her husband on their wedding day. I thought the song was so beautiful and becomes so haunting throughout the series.

    The song lyrics are so beautiful and truly speak for themselves, especially on the day of a wedding…

    “Oh, heavenly day
    All the clouds blew away
    Got no trouble today with anyone

    The smile on your face, I live only to see
    It’s enough for me, baby, it’s enough for me
    Oh, heavenly day, heavenly day, heavenly day

    Tomorrow may rain with sorrow
    Here’s a little time we can borrow
    Forget all our troubles in these moments so few

    Oh because right now is only thing
    That all that we really have to do
    Is have ourselves, a heavenly day”

    The Cake

    Another thing Sean and I bonded over in the beginning of our relationship was healing crystals, minerals, and geodes. We spent many weekends going to different metaphysical stores looking for new specimens to add to our collections. Once we even bought a geode that we had to crack open ourselves- I told Sean to smash it with a hammer on my then desk, he warned me it was going to break the desk, I didn’t believe him, and… well we had to get rid of the desk once that bad boy was cracked open…

    When searching for different styles of wedding cakes, we found these gorgeous style cakes that have carved out crevices that look like geodes. We opted for an amethyst look to go with our plum and gold wedding colors, however, upon entering the reception hall the first thing I laid my eyes on was a turquoise geode cake. I am not sure why and or how it ended up being turquoise, however, it still turned out beautiful and was truly a gorgeous focal point for our reception.

    Custom gold cake topper created by Luxtomi on Etsy, you can find them here.

    The Guestbook

    In true horror movie fandom, our guestbook was custom designed by Sean and created by a seller on Etsy. It has a wooden front and back cover in which the famous pattern of the Overlook Hotel carpeting is burned into the front and back cover with a typewriter font that says Sean & Amanda Crosslin October 15, 2021.

    Although, very few people seen or signed our guestbook as it was placed on a podium off to the side, it is a beautiful piece of memorabilia from our wedding that we absolutely love and another ode to one of our favorite horror films of all time.

    Guestbook created by RedBerryGuestBooks on Etsy, you can find them here.

    The Bouquet

    I opted to have an artificial bouquet made in lieu of fresh flowers, so it would in fact last forever, and I could use it as a display piece in my home. These particular bouquets were made with eucalyptus and sola wood flowers, which are an extremely light wood derived from the plant Aeschynomene aspera that grows in wild marsh areas.

    I found an amazing seller on Etsy who already and chose one of her previously designed bouquets as I loved the color palette she used- a lot of greenery with pops of lavender and plum as well as white. The plum did not overpower the bouquets and offset the bridal gown as well as the bridesmaids dresses and were an absolute perfect match. I also had boutonnieres made for the groom, groomsmen, and our fathers as well as corsages for our mothers matching the bridal and bridesmaids bouquets.

    Bridal / bridesmaid’s bouquets, corsages and boutonnieres created by WildRoseFlowersDecor on Etsy, you can find them here.

    All photos credited to Adrienne & Amber Photography, please check out their website here.

    I hope you enjoyed some insight to our special day! I have been wanting to make this post for a while now, and I am so glad I finally am able to share the special details with you.

    Look out for more wedding related content in the very near future!!!

  • Please Help Me. A Feminine Healthcare Journey: Update

    Please Help Me. A Feminine Healthcare Journey: Update

    We last left off on March 4, 2022, when I shared with you my current struggles with my cycle, constant menstruation, and excruciating pain. I had just found out the magnitude of the problem I was dealing with-cysts on both my right and left ovaries, which are quite large:

    Right ovarian cyst- debris filled measuring 3.8 X 3.5 X 3.6 CM

    Left ovarian cyst- debris filled measuring 7.2 X 5.1 X 6.3 CM

    When I had initially written my first post it was a Friday evening and by Sunday afternoon I was taken to the emergency room due to excruciating pain and heavy bleeding.

    In between my ultrasound results and going to the emergency room, there was a night my husband and I decided to hit the road and get out of the house for a bit. I remember the pain in my left side was absolutely becoming unbearable during the car ride and after hitting two stores I was in such terrible pain I was sweating, weak, and could literally feel the heat radiating off my body.

    I came home, took a hot bath and a few Motrin, got into some comfy PJs and laid with my heating pad until I fell asleep.

    The next day I was still in so much pain. At this point I had been bleeding since exactly January 15th, and it felt like my period had just started, ladies you know how those first few days are… It was like I was living in a repeating cycle of starting my cycle over and over again, every few days.

    I don’t know if being aware that the cysts were there at this point was causing more stress to my body, causing me more pain, but by Sunday when I tried my old hot bath to heating of trick didn’t help, I knew I was in some deep sh*t. I called my husband from my phone whilst in the bathtub and told him, “I think we need to go to the ER.” I cleaned myself up, got dressed, into the car and closed my eyes for the ride up the street to the hospital- I could hardly breathe and couldn’t stop shaking.

    Let me just give you the low down of my ER visit, which I am absolutely f*cking disgusted by…

    When we arrived, I was taken back pretty quickly and put into an actual room, which I assume was due to the nature of my visit and or problems.

    I was so disoriented due to the pain-one nurse on the left taking my blood pressure and one nurse on my right inserting an IV, while some woman with a rolling computer cart was asking me a million questions that I could literally not even find a breath to take to answer them.

    Computer Lady: “First day of your last period.”

    Me: “Umm, I don’t know, I’ve been bleeding since January…”

    Computer Lady: “I NEED A DATE- beginning, middle, or end?!”

    Me: “Middle…”

    Phlebotomist: “Any prior hospitalization?”

    Me: “No…”

    Phlebotomist: “ARE YOU SURE?!?!”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Phlebotomist: “Well why do you have tape on your arm, it looks like you had an IV in.” (Running her fingers over the sticky remnants from a bandage on my arm)

    Me: “I had blood work done Tuesday, here, upstairs… it’s…it’s in my chart…”

    Phlebotomist: “Well it looks like you had an IV in…”

    Me: “Where is my husband? Can he please come back now?”

    Phlebotomist: “We don’t know if you have COVID. Doctor will be in shortly.” (Closes door and leaves me by myself)

    Luckily, my husband was able to come back to my room, not without some backlash from the front desk.

    The doctor ordered some more blood work, a urine sample, as well as another vaginal ultrasound.

    A smiling woman came back and helped me into a wheelchair and wheeled me into the bowels of the hospital for my ultrasound.

    Ultrasound Technician: “Are you bleeding a lot?”

    Me: “I guess…”

    Ultrasound Technician: “Are you going to bleed on my floor”

    Me: “I don’t know…”

    Ultrasound Technician: “I’ll put a pad down just in case…”

    Now, why wouldn’t you do that anyway, knowing why I am here? I’ll never know. All I can say was I felt more than a tad bit humiliated.

    I could tell she was getting some good images as the ultrasound took more than an hour. I was uncomfortable, but I was grateful-the more images she took, the better chance I had at getting help with my problems, I thought to myself.

    When she was finished she gave me a huge sanitary napkin the size of a diaper and wheeled me furiously back to my room where my husband awaited my arrival.

    The doctor came back about an hour or so later and regurgitated everything I already knew, and added in some new factoids-my right cyst had ruptured, and my blood levels looked slightly better that day than they did four days prior.

    She then informed me she would need to do a pelvic exam. Now, I was expecting the regular pelvic exam with stirrups and a gynecological exam bed. I was so f*cking wrong.

    A medical assistant came in and told me to take my underwear off-

    Me: “But I have a pad on…”

    Medical Assistant: “It’s fine just take them off.”

    The medical assistant then proceeded to give me a bedpan, told me to put my pelvis on top of it and that’s how the doctor was going to do my pelvic exam. WTF I thought…

    The doctor proceeds to come in and actually flip the bedpan over position my lower half on top of it and do the f*cking pelvic exam-all whilst my husband is watching-horrified.

    The doctor then tells me to put my underwear back on, informs me I would be getting some kind of pain shot in my IV and to follow up with my gynecologist as I was going to be discharged.

    After six hours I was finally discharged home and I already had a follow-up appointment with my NEW OBGYN for that Thursday afternoon. If I could just make it to Thursday I will finally have some kind of answers, I kept thinking to myself, holding on to my hope that I would soon get some relief.

    Thursday morning came, and I was in absolute excruciating pain. I had punched in for work at 7 am, and by 8:30 I was crumpled up into a ball on the futon in my home office. I had sent a message to the CNP I had seen who ordered the original ultrasound I had in February and I received a call almost immediately from the doctor’s office “NEW DOCTOR” was out with a bad back that day and either I could reschedule my appointment or see ANOTHER CNP at a different location at 9:30 that morning. Furthermore, I knew the CNP couldn’t do sh*t for me, but opted to see her and try and get some relief. I called my boss to let her know what was going on, and next my mom to ask her if she could take me to my appointment.

    So, I arrive at the office and of course the CNP couldn’t do or tell me sh*t. She did tell me my constant bleeding was NOT due to my large ovarian cysts, and prescribed me Camrese birth control pills to hopefully calm my ovaries down and stop the bleeding. She gave me 48 hours off of work to rest and hope the birth control kicked in. I should probably mention that during this visit the power went out in the office three times and my prescription as well as my doctor’s note for work all had to be handwritten- I wasn’t even able to schedule a follow-up appointment with my doctor/surgeon because, obviously, the power was out.

    Thankfully, the pharmacy was on the way home for my mom, and she dropped it off for me after taking me home. But of course, there was a snag. The pharmacy did not carry this birth control and had to order it- so I was unable to start the pack that day-just my f*cking luck, I thought.

    I slept that whole entire rest of the day, with my handy heating pad laying right on my sore little tummy.

    The next morning, I decided I was sick of sleeping and got up and started blogging. The pharmacy finally called me that afternoon to inform me that my prescription was filled, and I could pick it up any time. Sick of being a shut in for weeks on end, I decided I was going to go pick it up myself. I also made a very bad decision to go to the Family Dollar next door to the pharmacy and pick up some household needs first. During my brief shopping venture the pain started again, I was so weak and unsteady, I even called my husband to tell him to be on standby in case something happened while I was out.

    By the time I made it to the pharmacy, I thought I was going to pass out. Again, I was sweating, and I could feel the heat radiating off my body as my legs shook while I waited in line. Of course, an elderly woman was in front of me checking out her items as well as picking up her prescriptions and then had the audacity to ask for her COVID booster shot! I’m IN PAIN BACK HERE, LADY!!! *Please know I am jokingly saying this, and I am well aware that the world does not revolve around me- good job for getting your booster ma’am!*

    That whole weekend, I felt like total sh*t. I was so fatigued, weak and nauseated, I could hardly get out of bed. I messaged the CNP I had seen, who prescribed the birth control, and didn’t hear back from her until two days later, and I quote:

    “Hello Amanda,

    Are you following the direction of (insert name) CNP which includes: Camrese to take two tablets for 3 days then to take on by mouth daily and not stop until she finishes the birth control pack.

    If you have been using as directed, please allow up to 3 months for your body to adjust. Monitor your symptoms and address your concerns with Dr. (insert name here) on 3/19/22. Please proceed to ER if pelvic pain or bleeding becomes severe. I hope this helps, please contact our office if anything else is needed.”

    No, as a matter of fact that didn’t help, and I did not even bother to answer back. Of course, I was taking the pills as instructed, why wouldn’t I? I just wanted all of this to stop, so I could get a moment of relief in my life after bleeding, cramping, and excruciating pain since January 15th.

    Saturday, March 19th, after over a month since I had seen the CNP who originally ordered the blood work and ultrasounds, I FINALLY was able to meet my NEW OBGYN. I was so happy!

    We discussed the ultrasound findings, and I was given two options-either wait out the three months for the birth control to maybe solve the problem or have a laparoscopy- I chose the laparoscopy.

    I explained to my doctor that years ago an OBGYN I was seeing suspected that I had endometriosis- if you have been following, this was the same doctor who told me at 23 I needed to start a family as soon as possible… At that time I actually had scheduled a laparoscopic procedure, however, I cancelled as I had just landed my first job in my career field and I didn’t want to take the time off. Looking back now, it was such a stupid decision, however, hindsight is always 20/20.

    With that information, my OBGYN agreed that it would be best to proceed with scheduling the laparoscopy to check out what is going on inside my uterus and ovaries and to drain and remove the cysts. He also stated that perhaps if I do indeed have endometriosis that the cysts could be endometrial cysts and in that case they would never go away, even while on the birth control.

    I could have cried that day, I was so relieved that I finally was validated, that I was getting answers, and finally I would be getting the help I have needed for so long. If given the opportunity, I would have checked myself into the hospital that day and had the procedure.

    Currently, we are at a good place. My surgery is scheduled for Tuesday, March 29th, the only thing I have left to do is more blood work-The CA-125 which will check for ovarian cancer. My doctor feels pretty confident that it is in fact not ovarian cancer, but he still would like to know what my baseline is prior to going in for the procedure.

    So that concludes part two of this painful, epic journey. Everyone, if you could say a little prayer or send me some good vibes and or advice if you have had a laparoscopic procedure such as the one I am having, I would truly appreciate it.

    Hopefully, part three will be an even better chapter in my story, with lots of healing and less pain!

  • My Top Five Favorite Memoirs You Need To Check Out

    My Top Five Favorite Memoirs You Need To Check Out

    As a child, I was quite an avid reader. My parents read stories to me every night before bedtime-Mercer Mayer’s Little Critter books and of course The Berenstain Bears, which I believe was the reason I was coined the nickname “Sister” after Sister Bear (which then turned into “Sis” or “Sissy”), before my brother Jacob was born.

    I vividly remember my mother reading me Laura Ingalls Wilder Little House On The Prairie books, as well as Beverly Cleary’s Beezus and Ramona books. One of my most cherished memories was my mother reading me the book Socks by Beverly Clearly in my upstairs knotty pine bungalow bedroom on my twin sized bed

    Whenever my family took a vacation or frequent camping trip, you could always find me with a book stuffed in my face. My mom introduced me to Stephen King at a young age, and I was hooked. During many of these vacations or weekend trips, my family found itself at used book stores or local flea markets, each one of us always finding some kind of treasure. I remember acquiring a beautiful, used copy of Alfred Hitchcock’s Monster Museum hard cover book as well as four of the most well illustrated, gory and horrifying, Clive Barker comics.

    Unfortunately, as I got older and into my college years, reading books for pleasure was no longer a “thing” in my life, which probably happens to many individuals who were quite avid readers in their youth.

    Once I got on my own place and settled into life as an adult, reading became more prevalent, as I started to become interested in more diverse music and entertainment and became fascinated with the lives of the people behind the mic or movie screen. It was at this time I became a sponge for any knowledge I could get my hands on about the things I was interested in, which lead me to reading the accounts from the people who lived them in the form of memoirs.

    I would like to share with you five of my favorite memoirs to date in hopes that a former avid reader such as myself will find them as interesting as I do and decide to pick up a book once again…

    How to Make Love Like a Porn Star: A Cautionary Tale – Jenna Jameson

    How to… Make Love Like A Porn Star: A Cautionary Tale

    I remember picking up this book at one of the lowest points in my life. I was in college, just started therapy and mental health medication, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I felt like I was going to crawl out of my skin constantly. On the weekends, I would take a ride to Barnes and Noble and just browse around and occupy my mind. I remember seeing this book and my interest piqued, clearly, the name of the book alone will do that to ya.

    I knew of Jenna Jameson from actually not even watching porn, I knew her from the “E! True Hollywood Story” Jenna Jameson episode which aired in 2003 (I picked up the book around 2009). I remember the episode being so enthralling and so raw, not just because Jenna was in the adult entertainment industry, because her story was truly captivating. I knew I needed to pick up this book and learn more about her life, and boy does Jenna ever deliver.

    This personal account of Jenna’s life is nearly 600 pages long. She details everything, word for word accounts of conversations, personal journal entries, photos, comic strips and my personal favorite her 10 Commandments. Hands down, this is one of the best books I have ever read. I love the scrap book feel of it. You can tell Jenna really put her heart and soul into writing and creating this masterpiece.

    Jenna Jameson is an incredible woman who has overcome so much in her life. She is a beautiful person inside and out. I keep up with her to this day on Instagram, and we have exchanged messages quite a few times. She is an absolutely lovely person, and I highly recommend you check out How…to Make Love Like A Porn Star: A Cautionary Tale for yourself.

    You can purchase How…to Make Love Like A Porn Star: A Cautionary Tale here.

    And I Don’t Want To Live This Life: A Mother’s Story Of Her Daughter’s Murder – Deborah Spungen

    And I Don’t Want To Live This Life A Mother’s Story Of Her Daughter’s Murder

    And I Don’t Want To Live This Life by Deborah Spungen is written by the mother of Nancy Spungen- notoriously known as the girlfriend of Sex Pistols “bassist” Sid Vicious. Nancy was known to many people in the scene as “Nauseating Nancy,” a groupie who was addicted to heroin and latched on to Sid Vicious for the notoriety. However, in this book, Deborah sets the record straight about her daughter and gives plenty of reasons as to why Nancy was the way she was.

    Nancy Laura Spungen was born in 1958 in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania to her parents Frank and Deborah Spungen. She was born with severe cyanosis due to oxygen deprivation caused by her umbilical cord being wrapped around her neck, as well as a blood disorder in which she received multiple transfusions for in the first few days of her life. By the time she was released from the hospital, the doctors assured her parents that they had a healthy baby girl and to take her home and treat her as such. It ended up being so far from the truth, as recalled by Deborah.

    Nancy was an inconsolable infant and would do “nothing but scream” as accounted by her mother. The crying and screaming fits concerned Nancy’s parents, who tried every avenue possible to find out what was wrong with their baby girl. At three months old, the pediatrician prescribed liquid barbiturates to stop the fits and thus thrust Nancy, at three months old, into a lifelong drug addiction.

    Deborah also accounts that Nancy was a difficult child due to some type of mental afflictions causing her to go into violent psychotic episodes on multiple occasions, such as the time she threatened to kill her babysitter wielding a pair of scissors in her hand. These behaviors ultimately lead to multiple suicide attempts and later drug abuse.

    It is also well reported that Nancy had a very high IQ and was extremely intelligent. She had an absolute love for music at an early age and once she got into the band scene she had a knack for knowing when a band was going to be big, and she was never wrong.

    Nancy lived to be only twenty years old and was found dead under the bathroom sink, in her bra and underwear, in room 100 of the Hotel Chelsea in New York in 1978. The tale of Sid and Nancy is tragic and is overly romanticized. The relationship was a codependency on each other due to their drug abuse and mental struggles.

    Deborah maintains in the book and in several interviews that the last phone call she had with her daughter, Nancy was set on getting her life straight, she had started taking methadone, and requested that her mother find a rehabilitation facility for her as well as Sid, and to let everyone know in the family that she loved them. A few days later, she was gone.

    My takeaway from this book is that it is so very easy to victim shame, especially to those who have been dubbed the less dead (drug users, prostitutes, homeless people, etc.). But always remember, there is a family behind that person, a family who has gone through the addiction process with the addict and has been mourning them even when the addict was still on this earth. No matter what, that person is a son or daughter, a brother or sister, a cousin, a grandson or granddaughter, niece or nephew- to someone in this world who was loved and could not be saved.

    As I said before, Deborah Spungen really sets the record straight in this book and gives her daughter the dignity she deserved. I cannot recommend this book enough, even if you aren’t a Sex Pistols fan, or have no idea who Nancy Spungen is, this book is an amazing read about a mother’s struggle with a difficult child, doing the best she could to save her from the evils of this world.

    You can purchase And I Don’t Want To Live This Life A Mother’s Story Of Her Daughter’s Murder here.

    I Was A Teenage Sex Pistol – Glen Matlock

    I Was A Teenage Sex Pistol

    I was A Teenage Sex Pistol is the personal account of Glen Matlock- The Sex Pistols original bass player, and his short time with the band. Glen was one of the founding members of the band and could actually play the bass unlike the attention seeking fool who was put in the band later, *cough* SID VICIOUS *cough.*

    Glen was certainly given sh*tty treatment by the band’s “manager” the infamous Malcolm McLaren, saying that he was thrown out of the band because he “liked the Beatles.” Glen was a key player in the songwriting of the band’s only record Never Mind The Bollocks Here’s The Sex Pistols, released in 1977 and maintains that the band only wrote two additional songs after he left.

    A lot of misquotes and misconstrued facts surrounding the departure of Glen Matlock leaving The Sex Pistols is part of the lore based on the narrative of Malcolm McLaren who generally liked to create chaos between band members and mismanaged the band until they completely went off the rails and called it quits during a live show in San Francisco in 1978 during their first and only US Tour, luckily for Glen he was already out and doing his own thing by then.

    Glen Matlock went on to form other bands and I believe still makes music to this day. He has even joined The Sex Pistols several times on reunion tours with the original members of the band. He is a brilliant musician and I actually really enjoy listening to his group Glen Matlock & The Philistines, I really like the song “On Something.”

    I am really glad that Glen wrote his own account of what actually happened with his departure from The Sex Pistols as so much information has been misconstrued, and in this book he was finally able to set the record straight and tell his own story.

    Glen Matlock is a pioneer of the England Punk Scene and is a very interesting man overall. I highly recommend this book and highly recommend checking Glen Matlock out, he has provided so many great interviews not only talking about The Sex Pistols, but other music related topics, and has amazing stories to tell.

    You can purchase I Was A Teenage Sex Pistol here.

    Coreyography: A Memoir – Corey Feldman

    Coreyography A Memoir

    Even though I am a little too young (born in 1988) to have been around during the big Two Coreys phase of the 1980s, I absolutely love Corey Feldman. I grew up with Gen X parents who introduced me to movies such as The Goonies (my personal all-time favorite), Stand By Me, Gremlins, and The Lost Boys, which I completely watched the sh*t out of. Corey Feldman holds a special place in my heart from my childhood, regardless of what anyone thinks of him. I even have a coveted “Which Corey Is Your Favorite?” mug that my best friend had me made for Christmas one year.

    Corey Feldman has been a controversial figure since the 1980s due to his friendship with Michael Jackson, which Feldman maintains was “absolutely pure and innocent,” and although he stands with victims of sexual child abuse allegations against Michael, he makes it clear that no inappropriate behavior was ever made against him by Jackson. Corey is also notoriously known for his underage partying with other child stars (he was also underage) of the time and drug abuse in the late 1980s and early 1990s- which he overcame and became clean and sober in 1995.

    In his Memoir, Feldman paints the perfect picture of what life was like growing up in Hollywood in the 1980s and how the sexual abuse against children was running rampant. He has become an advocate for victims of childhood sexual abuse and molestation and vowed to expose those responsible for the sexual abuse against Feldman and his childhood friend Corey Haim, who tragically passed away in 2010 from pneumonia and other heart related issues. Corey Haim struggled with prescription drug abuse most of his life, attributing to the abuse he suffered at the hands of major Hollywood players.

    This book is an absolute page turner, I remember taking this book with me to work and reading it on every break and lunch period, and then continuing to read it once I got home. I remember being so freaking excited when I finally came to the part about Feldman receiving the script for The Goonies and his account of working on set with Steven Spielberg and Richard Donner and all the amazing child actors. I love the account of the child actors seeing One Eyed Willy’s ship for the first time, as Richard Donner kept the details of the mockup pirate ship quiet, so he could get a genuine, candid reaction from the actors. What you actually see in the movie were the raw reactions of the actors-It’s little things like that which make the movie even more special to my heart.

    I highly recommend picking up this book if you love Corey Feldman, if you were a huge fan of The Two Coreys growing up, love movie nostalgia, or simply love the 1980s decade, this is an absolute must-read. Feldman does a fantastic job telling his story and setting the record straight on his life and his experience in the entertainment industry, you will not be able to put this book down.

    You can purchase Coreyography A Memoir here.

    Lonely Boy: Tales From A Sex Pistol – Steve Jones

    Lonely Boy tales From A Sex Pistol

    Clearly, I am a huge Sex Pistols fan, and I’m not ashamed to show it. I have followed Steve Jones for years on Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, and listened to old episodes of Jonesy’s Jukebox on YouTube before the show was revived in 2015 on 95.5 KLOS Los Angeles. I remember the day the show came back on the air, the first song Steve played was Personality Crisis by the New York Dolls and I remember having chills up my spine and thinking I really get to listen live and be a part of this.

    Steve is known for his raw, no holds barred interview style, and doesn’t really give two sh*ts if he makes someone the least bit uncomfortable, which I actually adore about him. He was such an open book, upfront and forthcoming with his life experiences and his amazing knowledge of music, I thought to myself this man needs to make a book because I will be first in line to read it no matter what.

    In 2017 his memoir Lonely Boy: Tales Of A Sex Pistol was released and you better believe that I had preordered that bad boy, and it was on my doorstep the day of release.

    Steve is the third member of the Sex Pistols to write his account of the happenings with the band, and he is here to do it his way, as he says, “warts and all.” He was exhausted of everyone else telling his story for him, especially what transpired within the band. Steve is the founding member of The Sex Pistols and got the band rolling with the help of Glen Matlock, Paul Cook, and some bloke named Wally Nightingale who was later canned for the notorious John Lydon aka Johnny Rotten, coined the name Johnny Rotten by Steve Jones due to the state of his rotten teeth.

    Steve Jones is an incredible human, he never learned to read or write until he was in his thirties, and never even knew how to play guitar until the band formed. He was an avid music buff, and essentially the music saved him from a life as a criminal. Much of the equipment to start the band was provided on Steve’s behalf due to his constant thievery. Steve notoriously broke into Hammersmith Odeon in London, disguising himself as a roadie, in 1973 and stole much of David Bowie’s set equipment, which is actually very hilarious and shows that Steve’s intentions to start this band were all there.

    I loved reading the before and after the Sex Pistols information Steve provided in his book, as I was already a pretty avid Pistols fan, I really wanted to know more about Steve, his upbringing, and what happened after The Sex Pistols disbanded.

    Again, highly recommend this book- whether you are a Sex Pistols fan, a fan of Steve Jones himself, or just want some really fascinating punk rock history, pick up Jonesy’s book. It is an absolute harrowing tale of how an abused and neglected child rose to the ranks and formed one of the most influential bands of all time and how music ultimately saved his life… and then almost killed him, and then saved him again.

    You can purchase Lonely Boy Tales From A Sex Pistol here.