I just wanted to hop on here tonight and touch base with you all and give you some insight to an issue that I am struggling with in regards to my medication to treat my bipolar disorder as well as my anxiety and depression.
It doesn’t matter how “body positive” you are…once you see that scale and you see the numbers you realize how serious the matter is. That is what happened to me today at the doctors office when I went in for a routine check up. I was disgusted. I am disgusted with myself, I am disgusted with my medications, I am disgusted with my life.
I PROMISE you that I am not a gross eater. I keep in mind always how much sugar I am consuming, what I could have done better, or the consequences of eating something unhealthy and gross. No, I have not made some of the brightest food choices, especially after my brother passed away, I just became self destructive without intentionally knowing what I was doing. Then, working at stressful jobs, which have been office jobs, with little activity, I started to blow up, and just the fact that I am going to be thirty in a few months probably doesn’t help either…
I’ve fallen back into the trap of not taking my medications properly or at all, and I have been feeling very off. Its not that I like this feeling at all…I just can’t bring myself to do something I truly do not feel like doing-whether that be take a shower, clean my house, do my laundry or take my meds. If I don’t feel like doing it, I am not going to do it. Acknowledging that clearly makes it my own fault because I am aware of what I am doing…this I know. I just wish I knew why.
So, how does this tie into my weight struggle?
I was asked if I wanted to get back on birth control and I thought about it and said no. I literally said no because I knew, after seeing that number on the scale, that I would blow up even more if I decided to get back on the pill. As of now I am on more than ten medications to treat my mental disorders as well as pain and inflammation and my serious stomach issues. My dilemma is…I want to stop taking these meds cold turkey and just BE DONE with them forever, flush them, burn them, bury them, just get them away from me…but then I think of the consequences…
I know that if I stop taking my meds that I could possibly suffer from a stroke or seizure or some other major health problems that are irreversible…or suicide. Why does it have to be like this? Death over happiness? Death over easier weight loss…? Would I even be able to function as a human being off of my meds seeing that I have been on them for so long and my life has gotten significantly better from being on them?
I’m basically at a standstill right now…what is best for me personally, mentally, and physically and I don’t know where to turn to….