Living with Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorders, I am always tiptoeing around the question, “is it me, or is it everyone else?” Due to the disorder, I often wonder if those around me are wrong or if I am wrong…OR is everyone who knows I have this issue using it against me?
Often, I feel very lonely. I don’t have hardly any friends or family anymore and I just find that I don’t connect with many people, at all. I live in a small sheltered existence where I keep trying to fill a void in my life with material objects, regardless of what they are. I don’t know if I am my own worst enemy, or if I am just over looked and an an outcast to those around me. I speak and I am not heard, I question but no one answers, I feel insignificant.
Living with the disorders I have I know that we often tend to make up situations in their head where the world is against us and that our voices aren’t being heard. But, truly, with my medication balancing my life out, I am starting to realize that it probably really is the world around me finding me insignificant enough to listen. I don’t feel connected to the outside world, and nor do I try to at this point.
I don’t want to be this way, I don’t want to live like this. Every day its a stupid battle to wake up and try to live, one moment wishing you could just crawl into a hole and never be heard from again, to loving life and being so happy and excited and feeling pure joy and love in your heart. Why does it have to be this way? Why can’t these medications actually balance those feelings out so I can function like a normal human being?
Its been a struggle dealing with my issues, going to therapy, changing medications, increasing one dosage, decreasing another, getting prescribed a new pill while being taken off another…I just don’t get it. Can’t anyone help me? I swear I think I am better sometimes but the next second I am yelling and screaming and I know that I am not better.
I don’t know what to do anymore. This is so frustrating…to live such an unpredictable life with mood swings that never stop. I know I have to somehow keep on with my life, I just wish that I could have a decent balance of happy and sad. I don’t know what I did to deserve this kind of predicament I have been given to deal with in my life.
I just wish I could feel better…