As the big three-oh approaches in seven months, I have thought more and more about my life and how much my priorities and thoughts have shifted, not only within the last few years but the last few months. Turning thirty scares me. What happened to the little girl I used to be? I feel like I am still trapped in that mindset, innocent and unaware of the world around me…then, suddenly, I snap back to the reality that all innocence is gone and I am a grown adult with obligations and responsibilities I wish I didn’t have. But, so is life, and we adapt and grow whether we like it or not…
I am finally accepting who I am
I am no longer a girl who wishes to be someone else. I am no longer a girl who wishes to conform to what other people look like and are doing. I have my own style, my own thoughts and interests. I have grown into a person who is obsessed with coffee table books, pop art, and gritty photos of life “back when…” I am interested in learning about the lives that people lived, people who struggled, and people who overcame when all odds were against them. I don’t care if these subjects and individuals aren’t relevant to today’s culture, I like what I like. I don’t care about top 40 music and I’ve listened to my favorite playlist on Spotify every day for the last two years, I could give a damn whats popular on the radio. I fucking like what I like and that’s it! I am not going to shield my true self to conform with others. If you don’t like it then fuck off, I don’t need you.
I need to live my life for me
No one in my life can truly tell me, with all honesty, that I am a fuck up, or that I have disappointed them, because I certainly have not. I have always lived in fear of disappointing my loved ones. With that being said, it really did steer me away from doing “bad things” like drugs, underage drinking, sex, risky behaviors, hanging with the “wrong crowed.” I graduated high school on time, I went to college and finished my degree and even furthered my education more (almost done), I have a job in my career field and I am living as a single (still taken) woman, independently, on her own. I don’t ask for much and when I do its in dire circumstances. With that being said, I need to stop living in the fear that I am going to disappoint or let anyone down other than myself. I have lived dedicating my life to making sure that I never let anyone down, and I haven’t-but I still, for some reason, feel like I always need gratification from my loved ones, family and friends, when I am in a situation, rather than just doing what I think is right. I am always scared I will fail my family and let them down. I need to rid myself of the guilt that no one is really putting on me and just do what is right for me.
Money isn’t everything
Quite some time ago, I was living high and mighty with a very well paying job, on a salary, benefits and all, but…I wasn’t happy. It was my first real career job in the medical field and I took it very seriously. I worked at this job for nearly four years with a progressively worsening work atmosphere, hostility, and harassment from the employers. Things got so bad that my health started to decline from all of the stress. I would literally vomit almost every Friday when I had to face my boss and be screamed at, even though I was doing the best of my abilities with the little resources I was given. I remember coming home from work one night and just laying on the living room floor sobbing, wishing I was dead. LITERALLY WISHING I WAS DEAD-BECAUSE OF A JOB. I was scared to leave because I didn’t know any other kind of life. I didn’t think I would ever be able to survive on my own without this job. I prayed, and I prayed hard and when things got the worst they had ever been I was finally called for an interview elsewhere, less pay, but out of the hell hole situation I was working in. The job I ended up leaving for was a decent job and I learned more than I ever could have at the other place, but again, I fell into a place where I wasn’t happy-I just couldn’t be myself there. There were so many rules and policies I just couldn’t agree with…I fell back into a depression. I couldn’t wake up in the morning, I found myself going into work late, again, getting both physically and mentally sick, and I knew it was time to get help. My doctor put me on a medical and I vowed I would never go back there…and I didn’t. I now work at a job where I get paid significantly less than my initial job in the career field, part time, and I am HAPPY. I am making it by with more than enough, worrying about very little and having time for myself to figure out the rest of my life…something I was robbed of at my previous jobs. Money is not everything and I will never stay at a job I am unhappy with ever again. It is not worth my time, my effort, my mental or physical health, I refuse to do things that are toxic to my mind, body, and soul.
Life goes on
This is by far the hardest thing I will have to write in this piece…life goes on, just as the saying says, as much as you don’t want to realize its true, unfortunately, it is. Everything changes in such a short amount of time, places you went, people you met, things you once used to do…it all ends someday. Every Sunday, my brother and I would go to church and out to lunch with our grandparents, it was a beautiful ritual that we did for many years of our lives. My papa would always say …”now some day…you’re going to miss this…” and he couldn’t have been more right. The loss of my papa and my brother still seem so surreal to me, its been so long that its hard to remember a time when they existed at all. It kills me to see how much has changed over the course of five years, a constant reminder that the world keeps moving around you even as you are still stuck in the past.
I have no plans for my future right now, at this point in my life. I will continue to go with the flow and take things as they come at me. I am not going to sit and write out every goal, and the time frame in which I need to accomplish them for my life to be complete. I know that living that way bothers a lot of people around me, but again, I’m living life for who? -that’s right, me. Of course I have ideas on what I would like my future to be, I know what I don’t want it to be more than I do, which is probably thinking in reverse, but is still good. I’ll decide when I am ready to marry when I am done doing my own thing, I will decide to have a baby when I can keep my garden alive for one whole summer, I will buy a house when I see it necessary. I don’t care about what other’s want for me anymore. They aren’t me, they don’t have to deal with the consequences or repercussions, I do-and that’s fine with me. I am ready to take on whatever life throws at me, at this point. I am a strong person and I will remain strong, I will continue to fight for what I need to do in this life to make me successful and happy. Maybe it’s not going to happen on anyone else’s time line as to when I should do it, but it will happen when I decide.
In conclusion, I hope you can take something away from this. It was very therapeutic to put all of these thoughts together and come to the realizations that I have now. Life is too short guys, take the time to make it known what you want out of your life and don’t let others stand in your way.