My mind is devouring my body and soul…

Its been two nights in a row now that I can’t sleep. The stress of things I cannot control is eating me alive right now. I am physically sick to my stomach as I reevaluate everything. It seems like, in my life, I constantly have to have something to stress about, or I don’t feel right. I create scenarios in my mind that could never or would never come to fruition. My mind is devouring my body and soul…

Welcome to the roller-coaster that is a mixture of Bipolar disorder with a little bit of a Borderline Personality Disorder sprinkled on top, lets add an anxiety cherry to the top of that cake, then add a ticking time bomb and get ready for the explosion.

I cannot even begin to express the frustration and the mind fuck it is to be so happy and pepped up all day long, only to crash whenever your brain wants to. Yesterday I felt beautiful and was happy, today I feel lost…why does this happen to me?

Many times I ask myself “what did I do to deserve this?”I have a beautiful life, home, family, boyfriend, friends, yet…I still cannot be happy…

Outsiders look at this as though “things will change when _____.” OR “you need to find something that makes you happy.”-Never understanding the true problem, Unless you’ve went through it yourself, you will never know how it feels…the ups, the downs, the overwhelming sense of happiness and love-your heart could just burst! But then BOOM! It hits you like a bat to the gut and you are back in that dark state again-curtains and blinds closed off from all sunlight, covers pulled up to your face while you sleep through a whole Saturday…and never fully recovering…and when you sleep your dreams don’t stop as they recycle the thoughts of the day…to the point of questioning yourself during waking hours if that “really happened? or did I dream it?” A night (or day’s) sleep is never refreshing as you’ve been fully aware of your dream state the whole time.

More times than not I have trouble waking up and getting out of bed due to the fact that I never feel rested. My dreams take over and I cant stop them…I just want a peaceful night’s sleep…is that too much to ask? Truly, I believe I fight sleep because I don’t want to dream. My dreams can be so disturbing in nature and I have horrible nightmares that I have to wake myself up out of. I hate it!!!

Sometimes I wonder when I can get off this roller coaster or if I ever can…I know this is a life long disease/battle that I am going to have to deal with. I sought out treatment…taken medications…had my medications adjusted, etc. and it helps…temporarily, and then I am right back to a slightly better square one.

I worry about having children one day…will I even be able to function to take care of a child when I can hardly even get out of bed some days? It scares me so much! Will my mate be angry that the laundry piles up because I cant physically bring myself to do it? The future scares me, it scares me the most because I am not of the “norm” and I never will be…

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12 thoughts on “My mind is devouring my body and soul…

  1. I suffer from mental illness as well. We know it’s just a lot of ups and downs. Don’t forget your are the stronger one. And if you’re having a bad day, well, tomorrow will be a fresh start. All my love and support xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  2. sorry to hear about your stress. try meditation to feel calmer and happier. it has worked so well for me. i just use meditation apps.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I’m sorry to hear that you’re experiencing insomnia and troubling thoughts. I’m only a new follower of your blog however wanted to comment as I have suffered with anxiety since I was a young child. Have you tried practicing mindfulness techniques like meditation and affirmations? They help me, I try to do them every morning to start my day out in the best possible way 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I only have anxiety but I literally felt the same way last week. I couldn’t sleep either.
    I felt so defeated. So worthless and many other things. I hope that by now you are feeling so much better. This is probably unwarranted advice, but take it one day at a time and take time to self care. A lot of times that may help. Idk.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I get that. And there’s that saying that you can’t have good times without the bad. That there must be a balance. And one thing that someone told me when I was going through a hard time was that it won’t last forever, and that it gets better. 🙂 something to remember. 💜

        Liked by 1 person

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